From The Mouths of Husbands - Mr. Colombina Has a Thought
If you’re old enough to recall the comedian Red Buttons, you may recall his ‘schtick’ often included a segment (he did many times on the Dean Martin Celebrity Roasts) where he would recount famous people and how they “never got a dinner” (in their honor).Perfect for covering the smell of your pits (or Pitts in this case), this fragrance is sure to be a favorite of any dim-witted husband stealer. And haven’t you always longed to smell like tomb raider?
With this in mind, I decided to post a blog (unsolicited by Colombina) as to famous people who never had a perfume named after them. In these days of Britney Spears, Donald Trump, Beyonce, Jessica Simpson, Paris Hilton, Celine Dion, Jennifer Lopez fragrances et al, it seems anybody can get a perfume named after them.
So here are my TOP TEN… perfumes that never were …but should have been!
10) Angelina: (From Yves St. Le Homewrecker)
9) Eau Holy Knight: (From Franken Scents)
Combines the smells of holy water, incense and myrrh. Perfect to wear around the house or for that special Saturday night mass. Some claim it has special healing powers.
8) Total Retard: (From The Perfuminator)
Manly and rugged, this scent has muscle! The perfect man’s man smell to attract the woman you are groping. Interestingly enough, if you spill the cologne, it gathers itself up again into a single puddle.
7) Bad: (From Pretty Young Thing).
Jacko has a nose for fragrances. (He keeps it on his night table). This has been tested to be appealing to everyone from cub scouts to altar boys. You should be warned though that excessive use can result in severe skin discoloration.
6) Windows no. 95: (From The Gates of Smell)
Smell like a rich geek! You may find that you’re almost finished applying it, when for no discernable reason, you have to rebottle and start all over again, losing any scent you have already applied. But the creator assures us they are working out the bugs.
5) Jihad For Martyrs: (From La Maison du Terroriste)
Why spritz on a little when you can strap bottles of it around your chest? Combining the delights of C4, nitroglycerin and TNT, this potent aroma is perfect for the man on a mission! (Not available at airport duty free shops. Void where prohibited)
4) Old Spice: (From Old Blighty – Makers of “Girl Powder”)
Smell like you want. Like you really really want! This scent is a little bit SPORTY, a little bit SCARY and combines a BABY fresh delight with a touch of GINGER! As usual, Posh provides no noticeable contribution.
3) Depression: (From Tommy Cruisefinger)
Containing vitamins and anti-depressants, this is the perfect scent to wear immediately after childbirth. Side effects may include an uncontrollable fit, the urge to jump on sofas and the desire to join some whacked-out “religion”.
2) M. Night Shalimar: (From Sixth Scents)
“I smell (like) dead people!” This fragrance has the added benefit of being fatal to alien attackers if you get them wet with it. The scent goes on very pleasantly but watch for the twist after a while. Another plus … the bottle is guaranteed to be unbreakable!
1) F**CKING Lovely: (From Ozzy De La Renta)
This *&%^#$# scent smells like $&% that someone has been #$*&%^ing too long. It makes you want to @#*^ into a *$^%ing @#$#&$&%.
Here are a few others that were considered but did not make it into the top ten:
Adolf Hitler's "Blitzkrieg"
Gandalf's "Wizard Blanc"
Simon Cowell's "Idol"
Vladimir Putin's "Putin on the Ritz"
Forrest Gump's "Dopium"
George W. Bush's "W" (from the makers of Dopium)
OJ Simpson's "Eau J"
Winona Ryder's "Easy Ryder" (ask about the five-finger discount)
Prince Charles' "Polo"
The Rolling Stones' "Sticky Fingers"
Tony Blair's "Lap Dog"
Joseph Stalin's "Purge For Men"
Keanu Reeves' "Reeves Gauche"
Law & Order SVU's "Ching Ching"
(Created especially for Colombina)
The wonderful caricatures used here are from the following sites:
Tom Cruise is by Ed Wexler from edwexler.com
The Osbournes are from rosshendrick.tripod.com
The Spice Girls are from jarkkovehniainen.com
Osama is from anagramgenius.com
BIll Gates is from bluntpencil.com
Simon Cowel is from caricaturesbylisa.com
Putin is by Deano Minton from aboutfacesentertainers.com
Tony Blair is from cartoon.me.uk
Bush and Stalin are from cartoon-crn.com
Keanu Reeves is from Caricature Zone