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Friday, January 25, 2008

From The Mouths of Husbands - Test Your P.Q.!

After over two years of bearing the brunt of being the poster child for clueless husbands, I wondered just how much of a scents-sense I had developed. Was I now becoming a scents-ative guy? In order to gage my “progress” in my evolution, I decided to compose a test for all my fellow clue-less males to see where I stand.

Ladies, present this test you your DH or other significant male, preferably when there isn’t a game on. Hide the correct answers (at the bottom). Give him as much time as needed to complete the short (21 question) survey of his P.Q. (perfume quotient). Then match up his correct total to see which of three categories your man falls into. Have fun … and NO helping him!


(Perfume Quotient)

... A survey for the DHs and other clueless males of the world.


1) For the first anniversary it’s paper. For the second, it’s cotton. But which is the correct anniversary to give your wife a gift of perfume?
A) Third
B) Fifth
C) Tenth
D) ALL of them

2) The ASOP was founded in 1947 and is headquartered in West Caldwell, NJ. What is the ASOP?
A) Academic Studies of Olfactory Psychiatry
B) The American Society of Perfumers
C) The Aromatic Standards Official Procedures
D) The Atrocious Scent Offender Patrol

3) Where have archeologists found the world’s oldest perfumes?
A) Southern France
B) Cyprus
C) Mongolia
D) Very back of the shelf at Walmart

4) Which of these is considered one of the traditional categories of perfumes?
A) Sam
B) Cliff
C) Norm
D) Woody

5) Coco Chanel was the illegitimate daughter of …
A) a traveling salesman
B) a French bishop
C) a migrant vineyard worker
D) Kaiser Wilhelm

6) A perfumer would most be interested in …
A) Middle Ages
B) Middle Ground
C) Middle Earth
D) Middle Notes

7) If your fragrance of choice contains 2-5 % aromatic compounds, you are wearing what?
A) Eau de Cologne
B) Eau de Parfum
C) Eau de Toilette
D) Eau de Pain, de Pain Will Robinson

8) Which of these is not commonly used in making synthetic fragrances?
A) Pine resin
B) Distilled Petroleum
C) Coal Tar
D) Eye of Newt

9) In 2006, singer Morrissey released a song called …
A) Coco Chanel
B) Christian Dior
C) Jean-Paul Guerlain
D) Do They Know It’s Hanukkah

10) Which perfume was named after the heroine of a French novel?
A) Angel
B) Michelle
C) Mitsouko
D) Mme Bovary

11) What is the name of Celine Dion’s ‘celebrity’ scent?
A) Enchanting
B) Exasperating
C) Exhilarating
D) Le Canuck Moche


Celine will go on
… and on …and on …and on …and on …and on


12) According to Forbes, what is the going price for a bottle of Imperial Majesty … a limited edition of a Clive Christian signature scent?
A) $2,150
B) $21,500
C) $215,000
D) $19.95 plus shipping and handling

13) Which company refers to itself as “America’s Oldest Chemists and Perfumers”?
A) Caswell Massey
B) Massey Ferguson
C) Ferguson Jenkins
D) Pepperidge Fumes

14) Frederic Malle’s “Outrageous” is sold exclusively at which New York department store?
A) Betty’s
B) Wilma’s
C) Barney’s
D) Frederic’s
15) Which of these is NOT on the FDA’s list of ten ingredients banned in the production of fragrances or cosmetics?
A) Mercury Compounds
B) Chloroform
C) Vinyl Chloride
D) Trinitrotoluene16) Which of these is not a perfume blog?
A) Perfume Smellin Things
B) SmellyCat.com
C) Aromascope
D) Now Smell This
17) What is the best selling perfume in the world?
A) Shalimar
B) Obsession
C) Chanel No. 5
D) Love’s Baby Soft
18) Chanel No. 5 was the first floral fragrance to contain a lot what?
A) Anti Matter
B) Formaldehydes
C) Aldehydes
D) Road Kill Hydes
19) What would you find at 68 Avenue des Champs-Elysées in Paris?
A) The House of Guerlain
B) The House of Chanel
C) The House of Hermes
D) International House of Pancakes
20) To whom can we attribute this quote? “At present in these days of perfume, where any dandy can assume the same odor as anyone else, the feeling for the finer distinctions between people is being lost.”
A) Calvin Klein
B) Tom Ford
C) Prince Philip
D) Adolf Hitler
21) What is Colombina’s real first name?
A) Colombina
B) Marlene
C) Marina
D) Slim Shady


CORRECT ANSWERS:

What does your PQ mean? Depending on how many correct answers you got, you fall into one of the following three categories:

15-21: Whoa Mr. Sensitive.
When you’re not busy earning brownie points from your woman, you occasionally read cook books. I bet you understand such baffling concepts as ‘underwire support’, “feminist literature” and “poetry”. I bet you also come in last place every year in your football fantasy league too. You probably even stop to try on stuff before buying it. You read GQ and probably own more than three belts. Have you ever rented a movie that didn’t require you to buy a box of tissues for your tears? You think television has not been the same since Rosie O’Donnell left “The View”. And it wouldn’t kill you to leave the toilet seat UP once in awhile just to let people know a man lives in the house.

8-14: Well hello Mr. NORMAL!
You will buy your woman’s ‘female hygiene’ products when you go to the store if she asks you to, but you still bury them under a Sports Illustrated (Swimsuit Issue preferably) in your shopping cart. You firmly believe the remote control should be in the male domain. And the only artist’s works you recognize by sight is Leroy Neiman. You let your woman drag you to a film like “The Bridges of Madison County” but came home very disappointed that Clint Eastwood didn’t shoot anyone in it! You know that Calvin Klein was not that guy in that “Dave” movie but your idea of designer underwear for men is still Fruit of the Loom in colors other than white.

0-7: Aren’t you one of the cavemen in the Geico commercials?
First in your family to walk upright? Knuckles still drag on the ground when you walk? You are a cross between Tim “Tooltime” Taylor and Genghis Kahn. If your woman asked you to plan a romantic getaway, your first choice of destinations would be Cooperstown, NY or Canton, Ohio. You think television hasn’t been the same since they canceled “Baywatch”. You’ve rented lots of movies that required you to buy a box of tissues (but not for tears). And if your woman told you she was ‘spotting’, you’d assume she was helping a friend with her bench presses.

29 Comments:

Blogger elle said...

Brilliant! :-) DH, I'm afraid, is still not a "scents-ative" man. However, he didn't miss a beat in answering the first question correctly - smart man. Awkwardly enough, I'm afraid I missed a couple myself. Had no idea what Celine Dion's fragrance was called and I didn't realize choloroform wasn't banned - fascinating. Should probably pay more attention to articles about safety in the industry, although would probably just continue to choose to live dangerously and ignore them.

10:03 PM EST  
Blogger kamala said...

awesome!

i tried to get my 2 male cats to do the questionnaire, but one of them kept insisting that smellycat IS a real perfume blog, and the other one can't read. so i answered the questions myself, and either missed 4 or 5 - depending on whether the answer to the "smellycat.com" question is listed incorrectly or i'm just reading it wrong. so can i be "ms. sensitive"?

btw, love the "do they know it's hanukkah" :-)

10:27 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

another amazing post. not sure i'd get that many right myself, but they were fun questions, so who cares. i especially loved the cheers and the dr. smith references. the cheers question probably had my favorite word play. and i love lost in space. always have. thanks for the fun. thanks! - minette

12:34 AM EST  
Anonymous koki2 said...

Hilarious! When I saw that M.C. was the guest writer I got kleenex ahead of time to blot my tears of laughter!

5:47 AM EST  
Anonymous donanicola said...

teehee! I learned a thing or two never mind the poor hapless male friend to whom I will present this questionnaire! Cheers Mr Columbina!

7:38 AM EST  
Blogger Colombina (Marina) said...

Bravo! I especially love that one of the suggestions for what Chanel No 5 contains was anti-matter :-)
On the scale of 0 to 20, where 0 is a caveman and 20 is a super-sensitive metrosexual, where do you see yourself, Mr C?

8:15 AM EST  
Blogger greeneyes said...

I loved this! Awesome.

Have a lovely weekend!

11:27 AM EST  
Anonymous Pam said...

This is too good; I'm having to de-cloak long enough to make a comment. Mr C, it's always a pleasure to read your posts. I'm going to save the picture of F. Malle driving the Flintstone gang around. ROFL! That one really made me laugh. Very clever.

My DH is not all that scentsitive. I fear his PQ may prove him to be a knuckle-dragging specimen of the male species. We'll see!

Great job. Thanks!

2:09 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Almost too funny to read at work!
-Existentialist

2:19 PM EST  
Blogger tmp00 said...

thanks for the belly laugh- I really should not read these at work with my door open..

5:57 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Very funny and shocked DH would participate.... he scored "normal". Got LOL's from both he and my 7 yr old son. I think our DH's could enjoy a beer or 2 together! - Carol

8:25 PM EST  
Blogger NewKidOnTheBlog said...

Hi Elle,

Glad you (and the DH) enjoyed.

I bet if I had asked the question, "What does DH stand for?" ... the overwhelming majority of dear husbands would have said "designated hitter" (that's a baseball term ladies).

Due to the wording of the PQ survey, I realise a few questions have been misread.

Actually cholorform IS one of the ten banned substances (by the FDA).

The FDA banned ten items only but 'trusts' the cosmetics industry to "self-regulate" ... so for example ...even though anthrax is NOT on the list of banned substances, they trust that the industry will not use it.

Likewise ... the correct answer to that question ... D) Trinitrotoluene [AKA, TNT] is the choice NOT on the list of banned substances.

The other three answers ARE on the official list of ten banned ingredients.

All the best,
Mr.C.

11:23 AM EST  
Blogger NewKidOnTheBlog said...

Kamala,

I think you should be proud that at least one of your cats CAN read.

Perhaps the other is just A.D.D.

I do apologise to you (and all) regarding the "smellycat.com" question.

DO give yourself another point for that one.

What happened is ...

Colombina ... my conservative editor-in-chief and (often) my censoring supreme final word ... reworded that question and inadvertently in doing so ... by changing the question, changed the correct answer ...hence the correct answer was in the wrong place.

In order to insert the final answers upside down ... I merely wrote them in MSWord ...clipped them ... pasted them on a paintshop document ...saved it as a .jpg ... then inverted the jpg.

Point is ... once you (and others) pointed out the error - which Colombina has SINCE RECTIFIED .... it was easier to move the correct answer into the correct answer letter position than to edit the .jpg box listing the correct answers upside down.

By the way ... bonus points to any DH who physically lifted and placed his monitor upside down in order to see the correct answers.

Best Regards,
Mr. C.

11:36 AM EST  
Blogger NewKidOnTheBlog said...

Anonymous,

I gotta admit, I got a chuckle out of the Cheers word/name play myself. I figured SOME might think "Norm" (as in 'the norm') was the correct answer.

And thanks for enjoying poor old Dr. Smith. With Colombina being both foreign and younger than me ... I knew the reference would be "lost" (no pun intended) on her. So I appreciate that someone 'got it'.

Cheers!
Mr. C.

11:39 AM EST  
Blogger NewKidOnTheBlog said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

11:45 AM EST  
Blogger NewKidOnTheBlog said...

Koki2,

How's Koki1 doing?

I enjoy writing these on behalf on Colombina.

Behind every good woman there is a man (usually checking out her bottom ...but what the heck).

I feel a bit like Bill Clinton, stumping for Hilary when I write these ,,, though someone better explain to Bill the limits of what 'stumping' means, should Hilary get in and Bill is put in charge of hiring the interns.

All the Best,
Mr.C.

12:19 PM EST  
Blogger NewKidOnTheBlog said...

Dear Donanicola,

Always nice to see 'London calling.'

Am chuffed you enjoyed.

TTFN
Mr.C.

12:41 PM EST  
Blogger NewKidOnTheBlog said...

Colombina,

Glad you (especially) enjoyed this idea. Maybe Tom or you (or another guest poster) could come up with a test for ME?

Off the top of my (protruding) head ...

On a scale of 1-20 ...with zero being "caveman" and 20 being "super-sensitive metrosexual" ...

I'd say I was a 10 (As many women in my past used to call me),

I guess that makes me a metro-caveman.

I love you!
Mr.C.

PS: Give my best to Ina and HER dh.

PPS: Rumour has it that Chanel WILL be launching their first scent containing anti-matter ... to be called ...

"Chanel -5"

12:58 PM EST  
Blogger NewKidOnTheBlog said...

Hi Greeneyes,

Glad you liked it. Thanks for reading and commenting.

Have a great weekend!
Mr.C.

1:01 PM EST  
Blogger NewKidOnTheBlog said...

Hi Pam,

Thanks for "de-cloaking" ... i had to ask Colombina what that meant as I thought it had something to do with invisible Klingon warships.

I am glad you liked Malle's imaginary visit to Bedrock. I personally think "Yabba Dabba Do" would make a GREAT name for a fragrance by the way.

Don't worry if the DH is a knuckle-dragger. Us knuckle-draggers tend to find a lot of lost change!

THANKS!
Mr. C.

1:07 PM EST  
Blogger NewKidOnTheBlog said...

Existentialist,

I'd hate to be responsible for you being reprimanded (or worse) at work.

Read with caution. Big Brother is watching.

Paranoidedly Yours,
Mr.C.

1:10 PM EST  
Blogger NewKidOnTheBlog said...

Hey Tom,

Always a pleasure to read your comments.

Enjoyed the post Thursday by the way!

Mr.C.

1:12 PM EST  
Blogger NewKidOnTheBlog said...

Hey Carol,

I would love to have a beer with your DH (or anyone's DH ... or ... well anyone really).

Tell him mine's a Stella Artois but a Sam Adams will do if he's buying.

Mr.C.

1:25 PM EST  
Blogger lilybp said...

Hey, Mr. C! Mr. Lily and I are a day late, but we loved this (he had to explain to me what the OTHER choices in the Caswell-Massey question were:) You are truly brilliant. Mr. L. scored a 13, putting him in the top part of "normal." He seemed somewhat disappointed (though a bit relieved, too) to have missed "sensitive.":)

7:41 AM EST  
Blogger NewKidOnTheBlog said...

Lily,

Glad you and Mr. L enjoyed.

I'm more impressed that Mr. L knew what all the other obscure references where in the Caswell Massey question than if he had scored a perfect 21.

Did he really know Ferguson Jenkins? I thought I was the only one old enough to remember Fergie Jenkins.

In fact, of those four choices ... Caswell Massey was the one I had never heard of.

The test is not an indication of my perfume knowledge so much as my ability to google.

I doubt anyone (not even Colombina) could've scored a perfect 21 on the test.

But as always, I don't write here in anything resembling being serious ... just to bring a little fun and comic relief to the otherwise dog-sniff-dog world of serious scents.

Thanks for commenting!
Mr.C.

11:56 AM EST  
Blogger lilybp said...

Yes, he knew Ferguson Jenkins (at least, he claimed that FJ was a baseball player and I assumed he was telling the truth:). And as your lovely wife (who has met him) can attest, Mr. L. is definitely older than you. He got C-M on that question purely by process of elimination (which is pretty funny because it is located very jnear us). He did, furthermore, guess that "Perfume-Smellin' Things" was NOT the name of a blog (this isn't the first thing he's read here, but I guess he never noticed the name:).

12:55 PM EST  
Blogger NewKidOnTheBlog said...

Lily,

Ferguson "Fergie" Jenkins was a "20-game winner" - sort of a landmark for quality baseball pitchers - for many years in a row.

He was traded away from the Philadelphia team (Phillies) when I was a boy growing up in Philadelphia ... and had all his successful years for the Chicago Cubs. So I remember him vividly in sort of a sad way.

Ironic in that Colombina is presently in Chicago.

I was not aware that Colombina had met MR. L ... nor that my age was known amongst the PST readership.

But then ...

There are many things I am not aware of ... or only recently become aware of ... like DH being short for 'dear husband' (though I still suspect the "D" stands for 'dumb' or 'disturbing' or worse ... in the right (that is to say, "wrong") given moment, depending on my latest screw-up. (like not having my guest post ready in time for example)

Nor did I know for a long time that PST was short for "Perfume Smellin Things" and not Pacific Standard Time.

All the Best,
Mr. C.

1:31 PM EST  
Anonymous Flora said...

ROTFLMAO - priceless! I especially like the description of "Caveman." I still know guys like that here in Timber Country. (My dream is still to find a guy who is plenty rugged but will at least agree to wear Yatagan or Fahrenheit just to make me happy. And oh, would it!)

6:22 PM EST  
Blogger NewKidOnTheBlog said...

Flora,

No scent-sitive males in in timber country? Quelle surprise!

Is it just me or is everyone else hearing (in their heads) the Monty Python 'Lumber Jack' song?

Colombina got me a bottle of Yatagan once. I wore it so often that every time she smelled it on me, she'd say, "YET AGAIN?"

All the best,
Mr. C.

8:30 PM EST  

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