After over two years of bearing the brunt of being the poster child for clueless husbands, I wondered just how much of a scents-sense I had developed. Was I now becoming a scents-ative guy? In order to gage my “progress” in my evolution, I decided to compose a test for all my fellow clue-less males to see where I stand.
Ladies, present this test you your DH or other significant male, preferably when there isn’t a game on. Hide the correct answers (at the bottom). Give him as much time as needed to complete the short (21 question) survey of his P.Q. (perfume quotient). Then match up his correct total to see which of three categories your man falls into. Have fun … and NO helping him!
1) For the first anniversary it’s paper. For the second, it’s cotton. But which is the correct anniversary to give your wife a gift of perfume?
D) ALL of them
2) The ASOP was founded in 1947 and is headquartered in West Caldwell, NJ. What is the ASOP?
A) Academic Studies of Olfactory Psychiatry
B) The American Society of Perfumers
C) The Aromatic Standards Official Procedures
D) The Atrocious Scent Offender Patrol
3) Where have archeologists found the world’s oldest perfumes?
A) Southern France
D) Very back of the shelf at Walmart
4) Which of these is considered one of the traditional categories of perfumes?
5) Coco Chanel was the illegitimate daughter of …
A) a traveling salesman
B) a French bishop
C) a migrant vineyard worker
D) Kaiser Wilhelm
6) A perfumer would most be interested in …
A) Middle Ages
B) Middle Ground
C) Middle Earth
D) Middle Notes
7) If your fragrance of choice contains 2-5 % aromatic compounds, you are wearing what?
A) Eau de Cologne
B) Eau de Parfum
C) Eau de Toilette
D) Eau de Pain, de Pain Will Robinson
8) Which of these is not commonly used in making synthetic fragrances?
A) Pine resin
B) Distilled Petroleum
C) Coal Tar
D) Eye of Newt
9) In 2006, singer Morrissey released a song called …
A) Coco Chanel
B) Christian Dior
C) Jean-Paul Guerlain
D) Do They Know It’s Hanukkah
10) Which perfume was named after the heroine of a French novel?
D) Mme Bovary
11) What is the name of Celine Dion’s ‘celebrity’ scent?
D) Le Canuck Moche
12) According to Forbes, what is the going price for a bottle of Imperial Majesty … a limited edition of a Clive Christian signature scent?
D) $19.95 plus shipping and handling
13) Which company refers to itself as “America’s Oldest Chemists and Perfumers”?
A) Caswell Massey
B) Massey Ferguson
C) Ferguson Jenkins
D) Pepperidge Fumes
14) Frederic Malle’s “Outrageous” is sold exclusively at which New York department store?
15) Which of these is NOT on the FDA’s list of ten ingredients banned in the production of fragrances or cosmetics?
A) Mercury Compounds
C) Vinyl Chloride
D) Trinitrotoluene16) Which of these is not a perfume blog?
A) Perfume Smellin Things
D) Now Smell This
17) What is the best selling perfume in the world?
C) Chanel No. 5
D) Love’s Baby Soft
18) Chanel No. 5 was the first floral fragrance to contain a lot what?
A) Anti Matter
D) Road Kill Hydes
19) What would you find at 68 Avenue des Champs-Elysées in Paris?
A) The House of Guerlain
B) The House of Chanel
C) The House of Hermes
D) International House of Pancakes
20) To whom can we attribute this quote? “At present in these days of perfume, where any dandy can assume the same odor as anyone else, the feeling for the finer distinctions between people is being lost.”
A) Calvin Klein
B) Tom Ford
C) Prince Philip
D) Adolf Hitler
21) What is Colombina’s real first name?
D) Slim Shady
What does your PQ mean? Depending on how many correct answers you got, you fall into one of the following three categories:
15-21: Whoa Mr. Sensitive.
When you’re not busy earning brownie points from your woman, you occasionally read cook books. I bet you understand such baffling concepts as ‘underwire support’, “feminist literature” and “poetry”. I bet you also come in last place every year in your football fantasy league too. You probably even stop to try on stuff before buying it. You read GQ and probably own more than three belts. Have you ever rented a movie that didn’t require you to buy a box of tissues for your tears? You think television has not been the same since Rosie O’Donnell left “The View”. And it wouldn’t kill you to leave the toilet seat UP once in awhile just to let people know a man lives in the house.
8-14: Well hello Mr. NORMAL!
You will buy your woman’s ‘female hygiene’ products when you go to the store if she asks you to, but you still bury them under a Sports Illustrated (Swimsuit Issue preferably) in your shopping cart. You firmly believe the remote control should be in the male domain. And the only artist’s works you recognize by sight is Leroy Neiman. You let your woman drag you to a film like “The Bridges of Madison County” but came home very disappointed that Clint Eastwood didn’t shoot anyone in it! You know that Calvin Klein was not that guy in that “Dave” movie but your idea of designer underwear for men is still Fruit of the Loom in colors other than white.
0-7: Aren’t you one of the cavemen in the Geico commercials?
First in your family to walk upright? Knuckles still drag on the ground when you walk? You are a cross between Tim “Tooltime” Taylor and Genghis Kahn. If your woman asked you to plan a romantic getaway, your first choice of destinations would be Cooperstown, NY or Canton, Ohio. You think television hasn’t been the same since they canceled “Baywatch”. You’ve rented lots of movies that required you to buy a box of tissues (but not for tears). And if your woman told you she was ‘spotting’, you’d assume she was helping a friend with her bench presses.