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Friday, June 02, 2006

From The Mouths of Husbands - Mr. Colombina Has a Thought

If you’re old enough to recall the comedian Red Buttons, you may recall his ‘schtick’ often included a segment (he did many times on the Dean Martin Celebrity Roasts) where he would recount famous people and how they “never got a dinner” (in their honor).

With this in mind, I decided to post a blog (unsolicited by Colombina) as to famous people who never had a perfume named after them. In these days of Britney Spears, Donald Trump, Beyonce, Jessica Simpson, Paris Hilton, Celine Dion, Jennifer Lopez fragrances et al, it seems anybody can get a perfume named after them.

So here are my TOP TEN… perfumes that never were …but should have been!

10) Angelina: (From Yves St. Le Homewrecker)
Perfect for covering the smell of your pits (or Pitts in this case), this fragrance is sure to be a favorite of any dim-witted husband stealer. And haven’t you always longed to smell like tomb raider?

9) Eau Holy Knight: (From Franken Scents)
Combines the smells of holy water, incense and myrrh. Perfect to wear around the house or for that special Saturday night mass. Some claim it has special healing powers.

8) Total Retard: (From The Perfuminator)
Manly and rugged, this scent has muscle! The perfect man’s man smell to attract the woman you are groping. Interestingly enough, if you spill the cologne, it gathers itself up again into a single puddle.

7) Bad: (From Pretty Young Thing).
Jacko has a nose for fragrances. (He keeps it on his night table). This has been tested to be appealing to everyone from cub scouts to altar boys. You should be warned though that excessive use can result in severe skin discoloration.

6) Windows no. 95: (From The Gates of Smell)
Smell like a rich geek! You may find that you’re almost finished applying it, when for no discernable reason, you have to rebottle and start all over again, losing any scent you have already applied. But the creator assures us they are working out the bugs.

5) Jihad For Martyrs: (From La Maison du Terroriste)
Why spritz on a little when you can strap bottles of it around your chest? Combining the delights of C4, nitroglycerin and TNT, this potent aroma is perfect for the man on a mission! (Not available at airport duty free shops. Void where prohibited)

4) Old Spice: (From Old Blighty – Makers of “Girl Powder”)
Smell like you want. Like you really really want! This scent is a little bit SPORTY, a little bit SCARY and combines a BABY fresh delight with a touch of GINGER! As usual, Posh provides no noticeable contribution.

3) Depression: (From Tommy Cruisefinger)
Containing vitamins and anti-depressants, this is the perfect scent to wear immediately after childbirth. Side effects may include an uncontrollable fit, the urge to jump on sofas and the desire to join some whacked-out “religion”.

2) M. Night Shalimar: (From Sixth Scents)
“I smell (like) dead people!” This fragrance has the added benefit of being fatal to alien attackers if you get them wet with it. The scent goes on very pleasantly but watch for the twist after a while. Another plus … the bottle is guaranteed to be unbreakable!

1) F**CKING Lovely: (From Ozzy De La Renta)
This *&%^#$# scent smells like $&% that someone has been #$*&%^ing too long. It makes you want to @#*^ into a *$^%ing @#$#&$&%.


Here are a few others that were considered but did not make it into the top ten:
Adolf Hitler's "Blitzkrieg"
Gandalf's "Wizard Blanc"
Simon Cowell's "Idol"
Vladimir Putin's "Putin on the Ritz"
Forrest Gump's "Dopium"
George W. Bush's "W" (from the makers of Dopium)
OJ Simpson's "Eau J"
Winona Ryder's "Easy Ryder" (ask about the five-finger discount)
Prince Charles' "Polo"
The Rolling Stones' "Sticky Fingers"
Tony Blair's "Lap Dog"
Joseph Stalin's "Purge For Men"
Keanu Reeves' "Reeves Gauche"
Law & Order SVU's "Ching Ching"
(Created especially for Colombina)
The wonderful caricatures used here are from the following sites:
Tom Cruise is by Ed Wexler from
The Osbournes are from
The Spice Girls are from
Osama is from
BIll Gates is from
Simon Cowel is from
Putin is by Deano Minton from
Tony Blair is from
Bush and Stalin are from
Keanu Reeves is from Caricature Zone


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Brilliant!!! Absolutely brilliant! Thank you for a major belly laugh!

12:44 AM EDT  
Blogger Sali said...

ROFL!! Marina--OK, you Rock. I love the Charlie you worked onto the Polo bottle, too. Absolutely inspired!

1:07 AM EDT  
Blogger andy said...

great! Loved it a lot. My favourite: Depression and Old Spice! Thank you for a good laugh

1:36 AM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

absolutely brilliant! I needed a good laugh. my favourites are "bad", the unbreakable "shalimar" and "f***ing lovely". great bottle designs, too.

3:57 AM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Where can I get me some of that Depression hot sauce? Will it also give me a cheesy permagrin if I spray it in my mouth.

Marina, your husband is a gem! Daft as a brush, but a gem.

4:13 AM EDT  
Blogger marchlion said...

M -- are you selling decants of these on your eBay site? There are several I'd like to try -- Holy Knight sounds perfect, and that Putin one looks interesting...

8:40 AM EDT  
Blogger Marina said...

Politely butting in to say:

Sali- this is not me, this is the very funny Mr Colombina. But thank you so much!!

March. That was my first thought too, when I saw the Eau Holy Knight bottle and read the description. I'd wear that! Read and weep, Comme des Garcons, read and weep LOL

9:33 AM EDT  
Blogger Trina said...

This post clearly illustrates why thoughts are dangerous - I nearly herniated myself laughing! This is positively priceless. Mr. Colombina strikes again!

9:55 AM EDT  
Blogger priscilla said...

M. Night Shalimar! Hilarious!

10:08 AM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Screech! Hysterically funny. Perfume has so filtered through the cultural experience now, with full-blown satire tied to current events. I have no favorite -- they're all mockingly brilliant.

10:30 AM EDT  
Blogger IrisLA said...

Thanks for a hilarious read! My favorites: Windows no. 95 and Total Retard.

11:15 AM EDT  
Blogger mireille said...

What a Wit! And the graphics are wonderful! xoxo

12:03 PM EDT  
Blogger Sali said...

Marina, I thought for some reason Mr. C came up with the ideas and you had done the graphics. Well, you both rock, how's that? Still LOLing...

12:21 PM EDT  
Blogger NowSmellThis said...

Excellent!!! Mr. Columbina needs his own blog :-)

1:09 PM EDT  
Blogger Marina said...

Politily butting in again :-)

Sali, thank you so much! ♥

Robin, Mr Colombina actually has a blog, Deliver Rants, and very funny it is too; but he has no time to work on it, not the least because he works for my blog instead :-)

1:30 PM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Brilliant. Thank you for the refreshing satire. I enjoyed it tremendously. You are very creative.

2:17 PM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Mr. Columbina, you're a pretty funny guy! I needed a laugh today...Thanks!

3:04 PM EDT  
Blogger Dusan said...

OMG, this is brilliant, just brilliant! Mr C., you're a f&%*ing genius! I'm getting so many wierd looks from the people at the bus stop (am reading this via cellphone) because I can't stop laughing. They'll probably think it's a severe case of cruisitis.
Thanks, Mr (and Mrs) C.!

5:21 PM EDT  
Blogger Jenny said...

You make me laugh mr.Colombina!

7:37 PM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Interestingly enough, if you spill the cologne, it gathers itself up again into a single puddle.


7:40 PM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

So far, I've been enjoying your blog silently, but I must comment. I love Mr. Colombina's wit, but I love even more his interest in your passion and blog! On a sidenote, I love your eloquent yet approachable reviews.

7:58 PM EDT  
Blogger Marina said...

Dear Newproducts,
Thank you very much for your kind words!!

8:02 PM EDT  
Blogger tmp00 said...

hilarious- and spot on. Not only is Mr. Columbina paying attention, he's taking notes. Keep it up!

12:12 AM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

A sincere thank you for ALL of your kind words. I am only too happy to provide the occasional comic relief to the world of scents ... which I know you all ... and my wife ...take very seriously and passionately.

Ironically, I started a blog of my own about 9 months ago and have to date managed just a single post (though various drafts are written on cocktail napkins and matchbooks etc).

A few days later, my wife asked me about it and started her own - THIS ONE - so I wish I had her dedication (and time). I am honoured to make the occasional guest appearance on her blog. And I respect and admire her for pursuing something she holds so dear.

I am told that my next assignment from Colombina will be to review a Scottish Fragrance. I hope to do so in my same cheeky irreverant and daft style. Til then ... may the scents be with you.

Mr C

1:12 AM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

ROTFLMAO - absolutely priceless! Best laugh I have had for awhile, and I really needed one! I can't even pick a favorite, they are all great. :-D

2:39 AM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Mr C does it again!! I laughed so hard my dog Arwen thought there is something serioulsy wrong with me. No better way to start a grey and semicold day in Sweden.
I do look forward to the reviews of Scotish fumes :-D

3:09 AM EDT  
Blogger Sexy Sadie said...

Tbest post ever!

6:53 AM EDT  
Blogger lilybp said...

This is wonderful! Can't wait for the Scottish Fragrance--I'm a single malt fan myself, and I assume it smells like that (or is it related to the Scottish Play?)

12:30 AM EDT  
Blogger Gail S said...

I want a guy who's this funny AND cares about the same stuff I do :(

Please may I borrow you occasionally?

9:49 PM EST  
Blogger NewKidOnTheBlog said...

Dear Anonymous,

Borrow me? You'll have to ask Colombina first.

Forward your photo, medical history and intentions to her. But though she is generous, I doubt she'll share me.

She shares perfume samples but that's about it.

Mr. C.

12:05 AM EST  
Blogger NewKidOnTheBlog said...

Oops Sorry Gail for calling you Anonymous .... I see you are not.

12:06 AM EST  
Blogger Gail S said...

Oh no, my intentions are strictly honorable. I admire Mrs. C's postings far too much to want to offend her! But I'm a real sucker for a wicked sense of humor and when you pair that with a passion for perfume, I'm a goner.

I didn't know until I started reading these blogs recently that guys actually liked to smell good ;) All the ones around here just like to douse themselves in these "things" called men's colognes and give me a raging headache! Now I've discovered that there are scents that men can wear that smell good and that some of them really like it. Wow, whole new world!

4:33 AM EST  

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