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Wednesday, July 05, 2006

From The Mouths of Husbands - Mr. Colombina Reviews Cumming The Fragrance

Cumming, the Fragrance …

TOO MANY JOKES …. UGHHH …

MUST … WRITE … SERIOUS … REVIEW …

OK, so Colombina assigns me yet another fragrance to talk about. This time it is called “Cumming”

TOO MANY JOKES! TOO MANY JOKES! TOO MANY JOKES!
TOO MANY JOKES! TOO MANY JOKES! TOO MANY JOKES!


I’ll try to be serious for a moment and tell you that when the Mrs. told me that the fragrance was called “Cumming” I was amazed that the liquid was even able to be delivered through a spritzer.

This fragrance is in fact a product of Christopher Brosius (who I never heard of but he did win a Fifi Award – which – come on – FIFI AWARD? That sounds like material for a 30-page post in and of itself). And this is of course, in collaboration with Scottish actor, Alan Cumming – whom I also never heard of.

This is one of those fragrances that (supposedly) changes with time as you wear it and (supposedly again) the more you sweat. According to the fragrance’s official web site - the fragrance “gets deeper and sexier” over time.

Well it’s time I put this claim to the test.

(Spritz One)

It smells like … and keep in mind that I have already read the list of ingredients …

(“Base notes of leather, peat fire, highland mud, burnt rubber and white truffle ground the scent with rugged sensuality, while the core notes of cigar, heather, Douglas fir and rubber contribute to its sharpness. The fragrance is completed with spicy top notes of bergamot, black pepper, Scotch pine and whiskey.”)

And the smell I get is … very Scottish indeed … It conjours up all kinds of smells of this mystical ancient land of golf, sheep shaggers and Glasgow heroin addicts.

TO ME IT SMELLS LIKE:


A true Scottish delicacy of a sheep’s heart. liver and lungs, minced with onion, oatmeal, suet, spices, black pepper and salt, mixed with stock and traditionally boiled IN the animal’s stomach – must be the black pepper I smelled.

AND - the disticinctive aroma of ....



Mythical aquatic sea creatures


AND - The haunting sexual tinglngs of ...



A cloned sheep in heat

AND - The distinct aromatic presence of ...

A Scottish A-hole

Mr Cumming has made the most of his double-entendre name … in both sexual and non-sexual uses.

His nickname “Uppin” Cumming for example, justifies my having not heard of him. Whilst he has a film in production called “Coming Out”.

By the way, the little man with the Scottish flag was put there by me. In the uncensored version you could see Mr Cumming's bits... which I hardly found to be a 'cumming attraction'.

Mr Cumming was married and divorced. His sexuality seems to be the question du jour of the media …and by the media I mainly mean imdb.com forum writers. But his preference for men, women (or sheep for that matter), shouldn't affect me as a serious perfume commentator.So what of this evolving fragrance non-sense ..the more I sweat the sexier I get?

(Spritz Two)

To me, this fragrance changes in time, the way ALL fragrances do ... that is to say it goes away.

To be honest, the fragrance is as unoffensive as it is indistinctive. I really think it is the type of product that can be hyped up and sold on its name, more so than any revolutionary nasal delight.

And if that were the goal, perhaps Mr Cumming could team up with former England goal keeper David Seaman for a new scent.

And like I said, I never heard of the actor. though when I think of the 'smell of cumming', I am reminded of Broadway ..and those nights I spent as a single man at the theatre ...when I say theatre... I mean peep show.

Man was my life empty until I found a way to smell like Scottish sweat.

Don't you want to smell like a sweaty Scottish actor? I know I do. I think the next step might be developing a fragrance of Scottish street walkers.

NOTE: Sincere apologies to any Celtic friends at the implication of being sheep shaggers. We all know now that since you can clone sheep there is no need to shag them... and that the real sheep shaggers are in fact...the Welsh.

The Scots are not sheep shaggers ... just a bunch of (caber) tossers!

This fragfrance boasts of its 'base notes' yet I found the first and lingering impressions to be of lighter appeals. It is outdoorsy in a Highlander sense. I definitely appreciate the fir and the pine for example. While it would be a great day for swine in the aviation industry, the day I bought this fragrance, I applaud the makers for capturing (at least in part) a clean outdoors hogmanay celebration of everything Scots.

You can take our lives. But you can't take our FRAGRANCE!

That being said, there is ONE Scotsman I would like to smell like ...

The Shexiest Man Alive

CUMMING is not the first attempt to capture the essence of Scotland in a bottle ...

But let's face it, if you want to smell like Scotland (no jokes here about 'BRAVE FART' please) ... then I suggest you douse yourself in a pleasant single malt.

34 Comments:

Blogger lilyofbp said...

Wonderful review, Mr. C! But I hope it's OK if I have some Laphroig instead.
PS I still have not smelled this fragrance because, although the website claimed they would send free samples, it seems to have been a lie (at least in my case:)

12:04 AM EDT  
Blogger andy said...

I love your reviews! So refreshing (no offence, Mrs C) and so clever. What I loved most this time was...it changes the way every fragrance does....it goes away! Now, that's what I call down-to-earth. I love it. At the very end, this is exactly what happens and this is the source for our addiction; it is like good sex, with the fragrance gone there comes the wish for the next spritzer...
Can't wait for your next review

2:31 AM EDT  
Blogger carmencanada said...

First laughs of the day here in Paris! I love the interplay of text and pictures. Brit BF just giggled hysterically. Humorous perfume reviews? Mr C., you have created a whole new genre...

4:29 AM EDT  
Blogger Christina H. said...

I never had the chance to try this and from reading this and other people's reviews of it - I don't feel overly compelled too. I thought the picture of the sheep with high heels was precious.It made me laugh. ;D

6:17 AM EDT  
Anonymous elle said...

Fantastic review! Started my day out laughing. Thanks! I agree w/ you that this fragrance doesn't remotely live up to the raunch and edginess it promises. I was hoping for something to rival MKK, but this is actually on me a rather pleasant, earthy, sweet, fairly asexual scent. I think Alan just may be a closeted asexual, non-smoking(where was the promised cigar and peat fire CB??)shade gardener in reality.

7:38 AM EDT  
Blogger marchlion said...

Lily -- the free samples from the website must be some kind of jest, nobody I know got them.

Mr. C - the Welsh are NOT sheep-shaggers! I'd go on chastising you but I'm too busy laughing at your fantastic images, although I think you should have left Alan exposed...

By the Way, if you want to smell like Sean Connery -- he wears Jicky EDT. Ask Mrs. C for a spritz.

8:27 AM EDT  
Blogger Lucy said...

funny and a breath of fresh air, all necessary sometimes if one is to keep indulging one's fragrance obsessions...

8:46 AM EDT  
Blogger AnnE said...

Oh, Mr. C., I was laughing so hard at the "haggis" part that my DH had to come in and see for himself what was so funny because I was speechless!

I have to admit that you're one up on me, since I have never heard of this guy or smelled his fragrance. Don't think I care to change this status now. And thanks to Marchlion, I think I'll get my DH some Jicky instead. :-)

8:57 AM EDT  
Blogger Anya said...

Yowl! Laugh-out-loud start to the day. So well done, it could transfer to a TV satire show, Mr. C's voiceover drolly commenting as the images roll by.

PS thanks for the "bit over the bits" but it would have been kinder to extend the blocking to those legs! Must use eye wash, must use eye wash.....

9:24 AM EDT  
Blogger colombina said...

Butting in to say:

Judith, March, I haven't got my sample either.

Elle,
Now you see what I mean by FAIRLY well-mannered. :-)

9:33 AM EDT  
Blogger Ina said...

Thanks for a good laugh! We're being naughty today. ;D

11:16 AM EDT  
Blogger Victoria said...

I must echo Anya, thanks for covering the "bits" lordy the legs were bad enough. An enjoyable read as usual, thanks!

12:08 PM EDT  
Anonymous timam said...

a little bit spicier this time but highly enjoyable and a good laugh as ever. "the shexiest man alive", that was a really good one ;).

1:02 PM EDT  
Blogger NewKidOnTheBlog said...

Dear lilyofbp,

Thanks for reading and I am glad you enjoyed it. My next guest post (when Colombina asks for it) will be of a topic I thought of.

NKOTB

1:33 PM EDT  
Blogger NewKidOnTheBlog said...

Hello Andy,

I am glad you enjoyed this one. I know it is my uninformed naive approach that makes everyone laugh. I hope all the serious readers (yourself included) know that I realise I have no idea what I am talking about. :-)

By the way ... (to use an old expression) ... good sex is like pizza. When it's good, it's great and when it's bad ... it's still pretty good.

NKOTB

1:36 PM EDT  
Blogger NewKidOnTheBlog said...

Bonjour Carmencanada,

Merci Buckets!

I figured the Brits (like your BF) would get more of the jokes than others.

NKOTB

1:37 PM EDT  
Blogger NewKidOnTheBlog said...

Dear Christina,

It's ALWAYS a pleasure yo see your comments on my guest posts.

If I read your comment correctly ... you have never tried cumming?

TOO MANY JOKES

TOO MANY JOKES

All the best,
NKOTB

1:44 PM EDT  
Blogger NewKidOnTheBlog said...

Hi Elle,

Noting worse than a disappointing cumming I always say.

All that build up and expectation. One quick spritz and it was all over.

:-Q

NKOTB

1:48 PM EDT  
Blogger NewKidOnTheBlog said...

Hi March,

I figured the Welsh might be able to llosen up and llaugh a llitle at my llittle joke.

Five years living in the UK taught me that the English call the Scots sheepshaggers ... the Scots call the Welsh sheepshaggers and everybody calls the Aussies sheepshaggers.

JOKE: What's the difference between Australians and yogurt?

ANSWER: If you leave yogurt on its own long enough, it will EVENTUALLY develop a culture.

NKOTB

PS: I spent a week in Wales one night. I stayed at a place called Brecon's Beacon and couldn't remember the name of the place so I kept calling it "Breakfast Bacon."

1:55 PM EDT  
Blogger NewKidOnTheBlog said...

Dear Lucia,

I respect your (my wife's and everyone else's) indulgences and obssessions for fragrances.

I think my reviews clearly indicate that my obsession with fragrances, ranks up there with my wife's obsession ... say ... for my fantasy football team.

NKOTB

1:59 PM EDT  
Blogger NewKidOnTheBlog said...

Hi Anne,

Thanks for writing! Not only am I learning (slowly) about the world of 'uncommon scents' through my wife ... but I am also learning about blog terminology.

For example, I did not know until this post, that I was Colombina's 'DH' ... which I thought meant designated hitter.

(And I am also convinced - despite being informed otherwise - that based on my limited fragrance intellect - that the "D" might stand for dumb - in my case)

NKOTB

2:04 PM EDT  
Blogger NewKidOnTheBlog said...

Hi Anya,

Glad to start your day with a laugh.

If it were up to me, I'd have covered the whole picture.

Honestly, I've seen better legs on a piano!

NKOTB

2:08 PM EDT  
Blogger NewKidOnTheBlog said...

Hi Ina,

Naughty? Believe me, I tried as hard as I could to restrain myself when my wife told me the name of the fragrance.

But she knew what she was in for when she suggested it.

When I checked out the ingredients ...I half expected there to be some viagra in there.

NKOTB

2:12 PM EDT  
Blogger NewKidOnTheBlog said...

Hi Victoria,

I am glad you enjoyed it. While MR. Cumming may be proud of his bits ... I saw no need for the rest of us to see them.

NKOTB

2:15 PM EDT  
Blogger NewKidOnTheBlog said...

Hello Tina,

Yesh, Mishter Connery Shertainly is SHEXY.

It was a bit shpicy I agree.

I began to wonder if Alan Cumming has a relative named Ian Michael Cumming. (Just think of his initials)

NKOTB

2:19 PM EDT  
Blogger NewKidOnTheBlog said...

To All Readers,

Without getting too raunchy ... and I'll leave it to your own (dirty?) minds ... just think of all the euphemistic street slangs you know for the male ejaculate and tell me if they don't sound like perfume names to you?

NKOTB

2:20 PM EDT  
Anonymous sybil said...

I did try this...and I like your review much better than the actual stuff...

2:30 PM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Now, I have to agree on the single malt recommendation!
Victoria

3:01 PM EDT  
Blogger tmp00 said...

Another hilarious review!

And really, he was leaving himself sooo open, even with the notes of the scent itself "leather, peat fire, highland mud, burnt rubber and white truffle?", plus liquor and cigarettes? What there was not way to synthesise the scent of "walk-of-shame" home and "why won't he call me"?

4:15 PM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

That was so much fun to read! And your illustrations were perfect. Thank you for taking the time to do it. - minette

5:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Patty said...

Another excellent review, Mr. C! We just call people in Wyoming and Montana sheepshaggers, so I supposed you find them anywhere.

6:37 PM EDT  
Anonymous TaoLady said...

LOVED the review which has probably saved me from investing in the frag - which I would have done, intrigued by the video ad. Sweaty mud really did it for me. But I gotta say - Cummings is a fine actor - think it's so FUN he's capitalizing on his name. Think he might really team up with Mr. Seaman??

4:37 PM EST  
Blogger NewKidOnTheBlog said...

FYI ... for those who care about such things, I saw Mr. Cumming recently (as a guest on 'Real Time with Bill Maher') and he mentioned that he had just become a US citizen.

Congratulations from Mr. Colombina!

Talk about Cumming to America!

5:17 PM EST  
Anonymous Cologne Lover said...

I bought this cologne expecting a blast of all things manly. What I got was a mildly pleasant modern cologne with notes of conifer, perhaps some peat and a light musk.

I actually really like Cumming. It is light but has some fun stuff happening in it. There is a nice heather note. The one note I wonder about is the initial opening which has an interesting bready quality.

The drydown is a nice smooth and warm soft musk type of feeling with notes that pop up once in a while. I think it works well for daily use to formal.

2:48 AM EDT  

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