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Tuesday, November 07, 2006

From The Mouths of Husbands ... Vote or Stink!

Today being Election Day, we can all be thankful … (a theme for later this month) … that FINALLY all the political ads on TV will come to an end!

But there is one political movement you may have missed among the mud slinging, sex scandals and partisan rhetoric. And that is the rise of a new party … a new force in world politics … the rise of the perfumocrats!

Whilst running for no office in particular, perfumocrat party leader Colombina, is lobbying to hold a new cabinet position … Secretary of Scent!

The perfumocrats arose from a secret society called “Opus Dior”. This society has at its core, the task of making the world a better smelling place. It is a very strict society with lots of secret means of self-discipline. Rumored to be among these means, members often endure agonizing hours of humiliation by spritzing huge doses of Giorgio on themselves and wear it as a reminder of their short comings.

The movement began in the Middle Ages … a very smelly time indeed. Over the centuries as technology advanced the availability of baths and showers, the movement went underground … except in France of course, where perfumes were created and mastered whilst the people Francais unexplainably resisted the movement towards regular baths and showers (and reportedly continue to do so to this day).

Colombina rose through the ranks of Opus Dior in the late 1990s, when she reportedly became their leader. Under her leadership, a new ‘religion’ was founded, called “Scentology”. It became in vogue for some Hollywood types to join the Scentologists.

In order to keep the faith centered and focused, and not confused with other “Hollywood Religions”, Colombina banned certain acts as sacrosanct. These included the banning of: jumping on sofas, making really bad sci-fi movies in support of the religion’s founder … and coming within 50 yards of Matt Lauer.

Under her influence as secretary of scent, Colombina proposes that all airline passengers MUST carry some liquid containers aboard including perfumes, colognes and breath freshener. Should a passenger be found not to contain any of these items in his/her carry-on, he/she will be strapped down during the in-flight presentation of duty free perfume items and essentially be used as a human daub.

Recently, while speaking at a Guerlain Youth rally, Colombina proposed that the immigration problem be settled by making all aliens pass a simple smell test at the border and only the really good smelling immigrants be granted permission to enter. She quickly acted to strike the addendum (submitted by Mr. Colombina) that special exception be granted to all the ‘really hot Latin babes’.

At the rally, Colombina told her followers, "Ask not what Guerlain can do for you ... ask what you can do for Guerlain!"

In an effort to appear more centrist, Colombina amended her proposal, adding that the US should fund an effort to fill the Rio Grande with all discarded Christmas ‘gift set’ perfumes to aid our Mexican amigos in their effort to pass the smell test.

Colombina has also raised the issue of creating an emergency cologne relief organization. “Where were the perfumers during ‘Katrina’? I ask you”, said Colombina. Hundreds of thousands of Louisiana and Mississippi residents, without showering or bathing options went days smelling like a 'Survivor' contestant's hamper!” she continued.

“It’s a disgrace, that in what is largely our only French-speaking state, that so many went so long without so much as a department store spritzing.”

Colombina also promises to fund a national smell insurance program so that even the working poor, the homeless and for that matter ALL Americans can have access to at least generic perfumes (from Canada most likely) until such time as they can afford proper perfume.

Colombina also vehemently opposed legislation that would have required us to refer to all French pefumes as "freedom" perfumes. She said such nonsense was a waste of political power when "we should be focused on funding research into alternative fragrances to lessen America's dependence on foreign scents."

For those who question Colombina’s military will … and who label her a pacifist, Colombina is quick to remind voters that she supports the invasion of Canada … particularly the regions where the wearing of perfume is illegal … and to topple their axis of evil smells and replace it with the bath party. Colombina also alleges that Canada is hiding its ‘dirty bomb’ program to produce weapons of musk destruction.

In her “No Child Left Behind Smelling Badly” program, Colombina proposes that the solution starts in our schools … though the religious right is strongly opposed to her mandate of scent education being taught in the classroom.

After clearing herself of any wrong-doing in the Toilet Water Gate scandal, Colombina set forth some radical proposals including the making of Coco Chanel's birthday, a national holiday.

Some have challenged her voting record, though official documents reveal she was present at every Perfumocrat vote with one exception ... and that was quite forgivable ... as it coincided with the Macy's "One Day Sale."

I for one, fully support Colombina’s candidacy for Secretary of Scent. It’s high time we had a change in DC. After all, we do have the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of loveliness. So let’s rename Washington as the “District of Colombina” and let her get to work cleaning up government. Because … let’s face it … Washington stinks!

34 Comments:

Blogger tmp00 said...

Brilliant and hilarious as usual, and the Giorgio reference had personal resonance: they used to pump that $hit out of the store into the open air; I remember almost going into anphylactic shock (sic?) at the loooooong light at Clifton and Rodeo...

12:31 AM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

A round of applause! I am fully prepared to vote on this ballot! :)

Vika

12:32 AM EST  
Blogger elle said...

Pure genius! I shall now go drop my Diorling scented ballot into the box for Colombina (perfumistas are far too intelligent to have those string of expletives deleted Diebold voting machines).

7:29 AM EST  
Blogger marchlion said...

As an almost-resident of the District of Colombina, I support your campaign, provided we change the name of MY adjacent state to Marchland

--- March the Maleficent

7:54 AM EST  
Blogger Dusan said...

[between fits of uncontrollable laughter] This... is... fuquing... brilliant! I say, you run for the President, Mr. C!

March, you might wanna consider another name for your state - the French-speaking folk will pronounce it Marshland LOL!

8:09 AM EST  
Blogger lilyofbp said...

I am voting early and often for this ballot! I hope you will head the Dept. of Humor.

8:49 AM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

BRILLIANT!!!!!!! I live in Washington DC and will campaign for Columbina tirelessly!

What a great read. Actually makes me want to go vote...or spritz...

Sara

9:23 AM EST  
Blogger Christina H. said...

Mr.Colombina strikes again! Weapons of musk destruction,LOL! You are somethin' else! But very good!:P

9:28 AM EST  
Blogger Patty said...

She has my vote! Opus Dior, good grief, that's a classic. I think we need t-shirts with that on it!

9:34 AM EST  
Blogger colombina said...

Dear Mr. Colombina,
I thought long and hard and decided that I like this post even more than The One With All The Bottles, which up till now used to be a gold stanrad of MrColombinaism for me. Well, how could I not like this one even better, if it's all about me , me, me :-)

The Scentologists and the Perfumocrats thank you for fighting our cause, Comrade.

9:42 AM EST  
Blogger marchlion said...

Dusan -- okay, we'll use the Big Cheese's nickname for me and it'll be Marchieland... hmmm, not sure that is any better.

10:18 AM EST  
Blogger Kelley said...

I guess I really needed a good laugh today. In fact, I am still laughing. I have to admit that I swiped one of your past photos of a drugstore sign that read...50% off ass fragrances! I laugh every time I see that one!!

Keep up the good work!

10:56 AM EST  
Anonymous Ina said...

If Colombina is Secretary of Scent, can I be her Executive Assistant? Can I, please? I have tons of experience. Plus, we've both been nominated as the Merciless Enablers.

1:29 PM EST  
Blogger colombina said...

Ina,
Exec Assistant is not good enough a position for you, what with you perfume knowledge and enabling experience. Would you be my Vice Secretary? Oh, the things we could do together! *evil laughter*

1:58 PM EST  
Anonymous Teri said...

All those in favor, raise your decants!

Is there room in the new administration for a Secretary of Health, Education and Smellfare? ;)

2:15 PM EST  
Blogger Dusan said...

March, or should I call you Marchie,
Marchieland is way better, I love it! Yes, definitely Marchieland!

4:30 PM EST  
Blogger IrisLA said...

Brilliant! Where can I sign up to work on Colombina's campaign? :o)

6:30 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is the first time me, a SWISS, wants to vote in the US.


René / EauxM / LesNez

9:41 AM EST  
Blogger NewKidOnTheBlog said...

tmp00

MANY years ago, I once dated (briefly) a girl who asked me to buy her Giorgio for Christmas. (I didn't).

Back THEN, Flock of Seagulls hair was in style and perhaps Giorgio should have gone the way of 1980's casio pop?

Thanks For Commenting!
Mr. C.

11:45 PM EST  
Blogger NewKidOnTheBlog said...

Dear Anonymous,

I hope you voted early (and often)!

Thanks For Commenting!
Mr. C.

11:46 PM EST  
Blogger NewKidOnTheBlog said...

Elle,

Is there such thing as a good-smelling pregnant chad?

Thanks For Commenting!
Mr. C.

11:47 PM EST  
Blogger NewKidOnTheBlog said...

Hi March,

I have no problem with re-naming Maryland. While we're at it ...let's re-name Mississippi to Mr C P (pronounced "Mister Cee Pee"?

(Pee as in the letter "P" for Paul - my name ... I could go on about the smell of Mr C "pee" but I think I've already slagged off Giorgio enough for one post)

Thanks For Commenting!
Mr. C.

Thanks For Commenting!
Mr. C.

11:53 PM EST  
Blogger NewKidOnTheBlog said...

Dusan,

"If nominated I will not run. If elected, I will not serve." - LBJ

There's too much politics in politics. Plus I'd hate to get involved in some scandal.

To (mis)quote another president ...

"I did not have scents with that woman"

Thanks For Commenting!
Mr. C.

11:56 PM EST  
Blogger NewKidOnTheBlog said...

Lily,

Sometimes I think all of Capital Hill is (by accident) the department of humour.

But seriously, IF I were given a voice in Washington, I don't think it would be long before Dick Cheney invited me on a hunting trip!

Thanks For Commenting!
Mr. C.

12:00 AM EST  
Blogger NewKidOnTheBlog said...

I Sara,

As far as I know, there's no rule that says you can't vote AND spritz ...maybe it would increase voter turnout if the voting booth smelled nice!

Thanks For Commenting!
Mr. C.

12:02 AM EST  
Blogger NewKidOnTheBlog said...

Hi Christina!

I am glad you liked the 'weapons of musk destruction' line.

We should also keep a watchful eye on topless beaches ...where they have developed "weapons of mass distraction!"

Thanks For Commenting!
Mr. C.

12:12 AM EST  
Blogger NewKidOnTheBlog said...

Patty,

I'd send you a genuine "Mr. C." t-shirt but I'm afraid it just has a picture of Tom Bosley on it.

Thanks For Commenting!
Mr. C.

PS: For those too young to get the reference ... Bosley was the actor who played Howard "Mr. C." Cunningham on 'Happy Days'

12:14 AM EST  
Blogger NewKidOnTheBlog said...

Colombina,

Though the election day tie-in and political slant was my idea ...I do want your readers to know that I credit YOU for such great lines and ideas as 'scentology' and 'Opus Dior'.

Thanks for the Inspiration!
Your Loving Mr.C.

12:17 AM EST  
Blogger NewKidOnTheBlog said...

Colombina,

Though the election day tie-in and political slant was my idea ...I do want your readers to know that I credit YOU for such great lines and ideas as 'scentology' and 'Opus Dior'.

Thanks for the Inspiration!
Your Loving Mr.C.

12:21 AM EST  
Blogger NewKidOnTheBlog said...

Kelley,

Odd though it seems to say (type) this ...feel free to swipe my ass fragrances!

(I 'borrowed' it myself - the photo I mean)

Glad you had a good laugh!

Thanks For Commenting!
Mr. C.

12:23 AM EST  
Blogger NewKidOnTheBlog said...

Ina,

You can be the under secretary ... though technically, "under secretary" sounds more like a position for Bill Clinton?

Thanks For Commenting!
Mr. C.

12:25 AM EST  
Blogger NewKidOnTheBlog said...

Teri,

You thought of it ...so you can have that post!

Thanks For Commenting!
Mr. C.

12:30 AM EST  
Blogger NewKidOnTheBlog said...

Hi Irisla!

Colombina's Campaign HQ address is 3rd Floor ...Bloomingdales ... NY, NY

Thanks For Commenting!
Mr. C.

12:33 AM EST  
Blogger NewKidOnTheBlog said...

Rene',

Hey thanks for not being neutral on the subject.

In this country, we voted Arnold Schwarzenegger into the California Governor's office ... so I guess anything can happen.

Why NOT let the Swiss vote in American politics I say! At least the voting would be done in a timlier fashion!

Merci!
Mr C

12:37 AM EST  

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