Today being Election Day, we can all be thankful … (a theme for later this month) … that FINALLY all the political ads on TV will come to an end!
But there is one political movement you may have missed among the mud slinging, sex scandals and partisan rhetoric. And that is the rise of a new party … a new force in world politics … the rise of the perfumocrats!
Whilst running for no office in particular, perfumocrat party leader Colombina, is lobbying to hold a new cabinet position … Secretary of Scent!
The perfumocrats arose from a secret society called “Opus Dior”. This society has at its core, the task of making the world a better smelling place. It is a very strict society with lots of secret means of self-discipline. Rumored to be among these means, members often endure agonizing hours of humiliation by spritzing huge doses of Giorgio on themselves and wear it as a reminder of their short comings.
The movement began in the Middle Ages … a very smelly time indeed. Over the centuries as technology advanced the availability of baths and showers, the movement went underground … except in France of course, where perfumes were created and mastered whilst the people Francais unexplainably resisted the movement towards regular baths and showers (and reportedly continue to do so to this day).
Colombina rose through the ranks of Opus Dior in the late 1990s, when she reportedly became their leader. Under her leadership, a new ‘religion’ was founded, called “Scentology”. It became in vogue for some Hollywood types to join the Scentologists.
In order to keep the faith centered and focused, and not confused with other “Hollywood Religions”, Colombina banned certain acts as sacrosanct. These included the banning of: jumping on sofas, making really bad sci-fi movies in support of the religion’s founder … and coming within 50 yards of Matt Lauer.
Under her influence as secretary of scent, Colombina proposes that all airline passengers MUST carry some liquid containers aboard including perfumes, colognes and breath freshener. Should a passenger be found not to contain any of these items in his/her carry-on, he/she will be strapped down during the in-flight presentation of duty free perfume items and essentially be used as a human daub.
Recently, while speaking at a Guerlain Youth rally, Colombina proposed that the immigration problem be settled by making all aliens pass a simple smell test at the border and only the really good smelling immigrants be granted permission to enter. She quickly acted to strike the addendum (submitted by Mr. Colombina) that special exception be granted to all the ‘really hot Latin babes’.
At the rally, Colombina told her followers, "Ask not what Guerlain can do for you ... ask what you can do for Guerlain!"
In an effort to appear more centrist, Colombina amended her proposal, adding that the US should fund an effort to fill the Rio Grande with all discarded Christmas ‘gift set’ perfumes to aid our Mexican amigos in their effort to pass the smell test.
Colombina has also raised the issue of creating an emergency cologne relief organization. “Where were the perfumers during ‘Katrina’? I ask you”, said Colombina. Hundreds of thousands of Louisiana and Mississippi residents, without showering or bathing options went days smelling like a 'Survivor' contestant's hamper!” she continued.
“It’s a disgrace, that in what is largely our only French-speaking state, that so many went so long without so much as a department store spritzing.”
Colombina also promises to fund a national smell insurance program so that even the working poor, the homeless and for that matter ALL Americans can have access to at least generic perfumes (from Canada most likely) until such time as they can afford proper perfume.
Colombina also vehemently opposed legislation that would have required us to refer to all French pefumes as "freedom" perfumes. She said such nonsense was a waste of political power when "we should be focused on funding research into alternative fragrances to lessen America's dependence on foreign scents."
For those who question Colombina’s military will … and who label her a pacifist, Colombina is quick to remind voters that she supports the invasion of Canada … particularly the regions where the wearing of perfume is illegal … and to topple their axis of evil smells and replace it with the bath party. Colombina also alleges that Canada is hiding its ‘dirty bomb’ program to produce weapons of musk destruction.
In her “No Child Left Behind Smelling Badly” program, Colombina proposes that the solution starts in our schools … though the religious right is strongly opposed to her mandate of scent education being taught in the classroom.
After clearing herself of any wrong-doing in the Toilet Water Gate scandal, Colombina set forth some radical proposals including the making of Coco Chanel's birthday, a national holiday.
Some have challenged her voting record, though official documents reveal she was present at every Perfumocrat vote with one exception ... and that was quite forgivable ... as it coincided with the Macy's "One Day Sale."
I for one, fully support Colombina’s candidacy for Secretary of Scent. It’s high time we had a change in DC. After all, we do have the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of loveliness. So let’s rename Washington as the “District of Colombina” and let her get to work cleaning up government. Because … let’s face it … Washington stinks!