From the Mouths of Husbands - Mr Colombina Strikes Down With Great Vengeance and Furious Anger

When I first heard there was new fragrance hitting the shelves called “Virtue” I thought perhaps it was another nouveau celeb scent, honoring Beryl Virtue and her daughters Sue and Deborah Virtue … producers of such British TV comedy classics as … Men Behaving Badly, Coupling, Mr. Bean, and The Vicar of Dibley. But as I read further, I found it was more a case of perfume businessmen behaving badly and flogging a scent for vicars and tarts … coupling prophets with profits. IBI, a niche fragrance company in Orange, CA has just released “Virtue” …“the world’s first spiritual perfume.” It is “designed to be a reminder of God, Christ, spiritual self and soul.” I can’t speak for how this smells because I find it too tacky to even consider acquiring. I thought SEX sells perfume! I mean apart from shouting his name of course, what possible relationship between God and sexual attraction could there be? My own sicko nun fetishes aside of course. I personally feel that using God to sell perfume has about as much virtue as using Garry Glitter or Michael Jackson to sell kids underwear. Slogan idea #1 “Splash on a dab on your cheek. Then turn the other Cheek” I am reminded of when years ago, I first saw the Guaranteed Overnight Delivery trucks on the road with the big letters … G.O.D. on the side of the semis thinking, what the f**k is that all about? God is delivering business parcels and eBay winnings now? Really they should have named the company JESUS since he was at least … a messenger. I’m not a zealot by any means and I have a certain disdain for the religious far right. But this is flat out sacrilege. Jesus threw the money changers out of the temple. But these servants of the dark prince are charging top dollar for this. And as far as I’m aware, none of the proceeds are destined for charity. According to the company’s press release, the “biblically inspired” ingredients of Virtue include: “top notes of apricot (the real “forbidden fruit”), pomegranate and fig that transition to a gentle heart of iris, warming to a golden base of rich, exotic woods of frankincense, myrrh, aloe, and spikenard.” Myrrh? Myrrh? Really? Myrrh? Who the hell even knows what that is? We all know that the last Magi dude simply forgot to bring a present to the manger and when he saw the other Magi dudes bringing presents, he stopped at a last minute Christmas present tent somewhere on the road to Bethlehem; where all they had left was some pine tree shaped air fresheners, some mildly melty Cadburys Milk Tray and a slightly damaged box of Myrrh. I have to be honest here, and tell you that as a child … when I first heard the story of the three wise men (the magi), I thought the fellow who brought the gold was wise but that the other two were as clueless as gift givers as … well as I am. Ask Colombina. That is why she always provides me now with a list for gift buying. I am the product of 12 years of Catholic education. I did my best to learn all the bible stuff I was being taught. But of course being only five or six years old … I used to drive the nuns crazy by referring to the magi as … “The Three Wise Guys.” And of course, I honestly thought that they had said that the three gifts of the magi were: Gold, Frankenstein and Merv. Slogan idea #2 “Thou Shalt not smell bad” Perhaps IBI intends to olive branch out into ladies fashion accessories? Maybe something like vestment vests and bible belts? Will we soon see a joint marketing campaign from IBI with Martha Stewart …as they launch Shroud of Turin Percale Pillow Cases? I have long suspected Martha Stewart was in fact, the Anti-Christ. Teamed with IBI, she could unleash her wrath and launch an entire line of Lucifer Linens and Last Supper Table Cloths. Perhaps there is a market for among the smellier-than-thou church ladies who put the P.U. in pew … from 8-hour-marathon Sunday services among the smug ultra-conservative bible thumpers. Perhaps it will be available in the holy water bowls at the entrance to Southern houses of God? Slogan idea #3 “When you want to act like a sinner but smell like a saint.” The makers of this Theo-illogical tripe have the audacity to claim they were divinely inspired by the bible in the creation of this shameful snake oil sham. They might as well have dipped their bottle directly into an underground well to the River Styx as far as I am concerned, and offered penance and indulgences with each purchase. There are, of course, many biblical mentions of oils, perfumes, and fragrances. We could start in Exodus I suppose. The Jews of course where enslaved by the Egyptians. And it’s a well known fact that the ancient Egyptians used, or rather experimented with perfume-esque oils and fragrances, though they usually included such remarkable ingredients as bat’s piss and scorpion blood. You know … because when you’re pulling twenty ton slabs of rock on your back to the pyramid construction site, you want to smell your best. Now I am not one to wish misfortune upon the souls at IBI, but I am reminded of Ecclesiastes, chapter 10, verse 1: “Dead flies putrefy the perfumer’s ointment, and cause it to give off a foul odor.” I would love to be present when the Vatican gets a whiff of this venture. Surely you’d have thought that they have a cardinal in charge of copyrighting God. But I guess not. Though initially conceived as a joke, I wish to revisit a cologne I devised called “Eau Holy Knight” and suggest that the Vatican get busy ASAP to counter the IBI minions and launch a legitimate parfum, endorsed by Rome, blessed by his Holiness, sold at a reasonable price, with proceeds going to a good cause … like upkeep of the Pope-Mobile, Denouncing Dan Brown campaigns, or providing top-shelf wine at communion. I remind the makers of Virtue, that it is easier to put a needle through a camel’s eye, than for a rich man to get into heaven. Or something like that. The only Christian who should be in the perfume industry is named Dior. And the only saint we need is Saint Laurent. Thank you very much.