Time to Rant- 800 New Perfumes, and a Big Whatever

By Marla I still can’t believe we’re dealing with approximately 800 new perfumes per year. Even the most dedicated perfumista can’t keep up anymore. Unfortunately, what should be a smorgasbord of olfactory delights is more like the latest cable service- increased price for more channels of…nothing. I’ve tried at least 25 new perfumes since 2008 began, and I haven’t found any that are bottleworthy, in fact, most seem to be clones of each other, from the Terminator’s factory, suitable for bots but not bods. And I have quite a few in-your-face synthetics in my collection, including Flower and Alien, and I love them. They are unabashedly unnatural and strange, unique and intelligent. But these new bot-fumes are just plain…shrill. Shallow. Boring. Oh where to begin? First, I eagerly awaited Shiseido’s newest Zen. Love the first one (black). Love the second (pearl). The third was plastic flowers in dull but obnoxious colors with rubber fruit thrown in. Yeesh. Then the newest Laura Biagiotti. Now the long-lost Venezia (still available through Irma Shorell, I’ve heard), is a rich, fruity, spicy oriental. Even if those aren’t your style, you’ll still think it’s gorgeous, believe me. The minis sell for $50 and up on ebay (I got one from a friend for 3 euros, lucky me!). And Roma is still very popular in Europe, particularly among women who state, “I can’t stand perfume. But I wear Roma.” This rich orangey blend is subtle and charming. Beautiful on women of all ages. I own a huge tester, a mini, and a large bottle. Laura is a bland but subtle aquatic/ozonic. It’s just fine. But I admit to having had high hopes for the newest, Donna, with notes of peach and…prune, just like Venezia, right?? Oh noooooo….. I ran down to my local Douglas, spritzed it on my wrist, and almost gagged. Another synthetic fruity cocktail at the rave, or even a peach jello shot. I couldn’t wash it off in the shop, so I held my arm as far away from my body as possible until I reached a bathroom. Argh, who buys these memories of drunken debauches when they were 20-somethings and drank one-to-many fruity margaritas with the new guy from Accounting?? The latest Chloe? Pretty much the same, a notch more sophisticated. YSL’s Elle was nice but blah, with those same, over-the-top synthetic floral notes. Flowers from Planet Zogwart. I won’t even mention the new Joops, can’t keep track of them all anyway. Now I actually did like the Beckham Intimate for Men, it was a spicy treat. A little piratey bay in there? Yummy! Life has its surprises, and I could wear that one. But the rest? Forget about it! Always the optimist, I’m holding my breath for the new Lutens (the one with the funky faux British name) and the newest Hermes Jardin. Jean Claude Ellena, take me away!