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Monday, March 12, 2007

From the Mouths of Husbands: A New Launch from the House of Mr Colombina

In a man’s world, there are five senses. Sight is first, and all the others are tied for second.

The male of the species does not associate memories with smells like women do. Therefore I took it as a tremendous challenge to design, create and promote my own male cologne.

How the thing is actually going to end up smelling is far down the list of importance. Firstly, it needs a name. The name of the cologne is way more important than it’s scent. It needs to sound masculine …slightly macho …fun but slightly dim …and definitely not girlie.

After minutes of careful study and with “you better get this done today because otherwise, I have nothing to post” Colombina deadline pressure looming, I have the name … the name of the newest men’s fragrance that will have the men’s counter at Macy’s looking like a Soviet bread queue.

The House of Mr. Colombina proudly announces the release of …. (drum roll)

…The new smell that is …. masculine …very macho …fun but slightly dim …


“Diesel” pour homme!


Could anything possibly sound more manly?


Well that’s half the battle won. Now I suppose I should … I don’t know … figure out what this stuff will smell like.

Now keep in mind, I have no clue as to how essences are actually gathered, manufactured, obtained, or otherwise how they actually get in the bottle. So putting the technical stuff aside, I am just going to gather all the stuff that emits the smells I want, throw them all in a big hopper and shake it up a few times.

Naturally, we need some diesel smells. So I need a locomotive, a late 1980’s model of a Volkswagen Rabbit and for the sake of it …one of Vin’s t-shirts.

But I … (as instructed by Colombina … who’s battling a wicked cold with the patience of a medieval pillager) … am supposed to include some smells that have some sort of subconscious value or treasured memory to me. Hmmmm …

I know for example that leather scents are popular. But what leather scent stirs fond memories for me? At least one I can tell Colombina about. I mean after five years of marriage, I still have some secrets and we’re not quite ready to go down the path of my former German girlfriends.

Actually, the leather scent that does stir some fond memories … and only the American and Latin American males will relate …is the smell of a brand new baseball glove. A new baseball glove is perhaps the only thing in a male’s life that starts out all stiff and hard, that he wants to make softer and supple. This is done by purchasing the glove in late autumn … soaking it in baseball glove oil – yes there is actually such a product and I would wear it by itself as a cologne – and then inserting a ball … (a BASEBALL, for those of you putting in your own jokes) … and tying it up with string. You then let the glove sit all winter (usually under your bed) and then by springtime, your new glove is broken in and ready to use.

I know from Colombina telling me about some specialty fragrance company, that there is at least one company selling bizarre sort of every-day scents like brewing coffee and baking bread. I don’t want one of those smells specifically. However, I would like one specific domestic smell as one (of many) ingredients in “Diesel.”

I have always been fond of the smell of Bacon! From our days in England, Colombina will recall that I was a master of the weekend morning “British Fry-Up.” This is a gluttonous concoction of so-called breakfast foods that really amounts to about a week’s worth of food for anyone who is not in England. For breakfast, they fry up some eggs, sausage, bacon, mushrooms, tomatoes, french fries (chips), and baked beans and then serve it up with about a loaf and half of toast and a pot of fresh tea.

Another perhaps strange smell that invokes some fond memories for me is the smell of vinyl. This has nothing to do with former German girlfriends. (Perhaps a few Norwegian ones though). Actually, it takes me back to my youth, when my family had an above-ground swimming pool. Unlike cement-based in ground pools, the above-ground variety had a vinyl lining. At the beginning of every summer we would have to scrub the winter’s dirt from the vinyl with soapy water, before refilling the pool for the summer. It’s a similar scent I suppose to “new car smell” if you buy a new car with vinyl seats, but it becomes distinctive with the elements of soap and water.

And then for good measure, throw in the smells of my grandma’s house (a mix of moth balls and litter box), a hint of chlorine (from the swimming pool), a dash of Cuban cigars (contraband in the USA but readily available in the UK) and a smattering of stinky cheese.


One manly ingredient …that is as much a must to a real man … as a pair of Jimmy Choos was to Carrie, Miranda, Samantha & Charlotte …is the smell of lighter fluid. Not cigarette lighter fluid, mind you; but the smell of barbecue lighter fluid. Remember, there is only one rule when it comes to lighting a barbecue … you can never put too much lighter fluid on the fire. Ideally you’d like the flames to be visible from the space station!


Also getting lobbed into my hopper will be miniscule amounts of motor oil, airplane model glue, freshly mown grass clippings and some pine tar (another baseball smell – it’s rubbed on the baseball bat so you don’t lose your grip).


And finally, I need to include some sweat. Firstly, I am not talking about, “I just finished a ‘fun-run’ for some inane charity" kind of sweat. I am talking about two kinds of sweat: the sweat of a beautiful woman (a goddess like Colombina, for example) in the throes of passion...

...And secondly the type of sweat that only comes from youthful exuberance and the rush of adrenaline one can only attain while doing something a little bit naughty, like buying your first girlie mag when you’re underage from a drug store on the other side of town.

One childhood memory smell that I have no idea how to capture but is a real smell … I swear it … is when I was younger and perhaps even today …there was a smell in the early winter, when you could tell the first snow storm of the season was looming.

And my piece de resistance, in making “Diesel” THE man’s fragrance to have is that it will not be sold at department stores or boutiques or even on-line but available ONLY at hardware stores!

Picture in the pool is of The Colombinas. Picture of the barbeque shows Mr Colombina attempting to get flames whilst English weather reduces them to smoke.

52 Comments:

Blogger colombina said...

I would totally buy and wear this myself :-) I am especially attracted by the notes of moth balls and stinky cheese. What I think was the stroke of genius on your part (you keep calling me "goddess", I'll keep calling you "genius", deal? :-)...was the idea to make Diesel available at the hardware stores. Nice touch! :-)

11:51 PM EDT  
Blogger Solander said...

Did you know Diesel is a perfume brand? I've admired this bottle for years in the stores, but it seems to be discontinued now: http://www.basenotes.net/ID26121818.html

4:49 AM EDT  
Blogger elle said...

LOL!! Brilliant and hilarious as always and the perfect way to start this string of expletives deleted first weeks w/ the time change. My DH will be first in the queue to purchase this at Home Depot. The lighter fluid would put it over the top for him.

7:54 AM EDT  
Blogger chaya ruchama said...

Very, very nice gams, Mr. C.
Let's not lose sight of what's truly important.
You look like a little Titan who needs to be on the Sistine Chapel , with your finger outstretched to God, lol.

[Sorry, Marinochka, my pet !
Have no fear- I'm too old for your beloved, and he's not NEARLY old enough for me-I'm a notorious graverobber,as regards my taste for male companionship !]

Hardware store...hmmmm.

8:33 AM EDT  
Blogger lilyofbp said...

I love this! Absolutely hilarious! Thank you!

One of the interesting things about the Diesel fragrances that solander mentions is that they actually come in "feminine" versions: Diesel plus plus feminine, Diesel zero plus feminine, Diesel green feminine. Oxymoronic (or simply moronic) indeed!

9:16 AM EDT  
Blogger NewKidOnTheBlog said...

Goddess Colombina,

While your down there … (ummm, at the hardware store I mean), pick me up some hex bolts, some flanges, a caulking gun and some change saw grease.

Love,
Mr. C.

9:51 AM EDT  
Blogger NewKidOnTheBlog said...

Solander,

No I didn’t know that actually. Quelle surprise! If truth be told I initially thought that my manly but dim new scent would be called “Beckham” only to be told by the fine Colombina, that he already has a fragrance.

If you haven’t noticed by now, I know about as much about perfumes as Dick Cheney knows about fire arms safety.

Thanks for commenting!
Mr. C.

9:52 AM EDT  
Blogger NewKidOnTheBlog said...

Thanks Elle,

You can let your DH know that my marketing plans include exclusive distribution at Home Depot, Lowes, Ace Hardware and 84 Lumber.

I may also launch a 64-gallon economy-drum value pack at Sam’s Club

Appreciative of your kind words as always!
Mr.C.

9:54 AM EDT  
Blogger colombina said...

Dear Mr. C,
That was written in Man. I don't speak Man. Please describe the items you need in detail, in a language a human would understand and supply pictures if possible.
:-)

9:57 AM EDT  
Blogger NewKidOnTheBlog said...

Hi Again Chaya,

We’ve got to stop meeting like this. Colombina will catch on. She reads this ya know. ;-) Hehehe.

Grave robber? I did hear you thought Anna Nicole’s oil baron husband was a little on the young side when they got married.

Seriously though … I am not an age-ist. And I must say that I am certain you are a m.i.l.f. (that does stand for “Madam in lovely fragrances” doesn’t it ?)

Anyway … Thanks for reading. Thanks for the comment on my walking sticks. Though I think I’m more suited for the Sistine Chapel floor than ceiling.

Mr.C.

9:59 AM EDT  
Blogger NewKidOnTheBlog said...

Colombina,

Now you know what I feel like when I read your blog. (But I do read it ... probably more than you realize).

I'll stick to buying the hardware baby ... you stick to buying the smellware.

Love You Lots!
Mr. C.

10:03 AM EDT  
Blogger NewKidOnTheBlog said...

Hi Lily,

Having spent literally countless seconds in putting this idea together, I thought if MY version (ok and Vin’s) took off, we could expand the line to reflect all ranges of motor fuels …

Diesel, Unleaded, High Test, Premium and Ethanol.

Thinking of course, I can some of the development cost underwritten by Exxon.

Thanks for your comments!
Mr.C.

10:05 AM EDT  
Anonymous newproducts said...

So cute! I love the pics of the Colombinas in the pool and Mr. Colombina with the BBQ, too! I'm now officially intrigued by what Diesel smells like. You had me at stinky cheese. :-)

10:33 AM EDT  
Blogger colombina said...

Minsun,
He had me at stinky cheese too. Not to highjack Mr. C's comments, but did you hear Stilton released a scent, Eau de Stilton? I actually wrote to them asking if I could please buy a sample or something, and got no response :-( I am so curious about it!

10:36 AM EDT  
Anonymous newproducts said...

Marina, I have heard about that! I suppose if I really wanted to, I could just smear a little stinky cheese over my body... :-)
If you ever do get a sample, please review it!!

10:40 AM EDT  
Blogger NewKidOnTheBlog said...

Minsun,

I am SO the novice in the fragrance world. So my instincts are not to be trusted. It was just my theory that something pungeant like a stinky cheese ...while on it's own - perhaps repulsive - might just add some punch to a blend of other smells.

Mr. C.

11:29 AM EDT  
Blogger NewKidOnTheBlog said...

Colombina,

People genuinely seem interested in what my (total bollocks) scent would smell like. The STINKY cheese and moth balls weren't thrown in randomly. But rather with my poor sense of smell I was just looking for something strong.

IF the blend of concoctions came together into a smooth scent.... I was imagining a strong 3-in-1 oil with nothing floral and the camphor and cheese to give it some sting.

Your Mr. C. of almost 5 years

11:37 AM EDT  
Blogger StyleSpy said...

Oh, I remember the smell of my dad working his mitt with neat's foot oil when I was a kid. That makes me want to go buy a can of it right now and inhale deeply. Mix that up with some shoe polish and it'll be like my dad is here with me.

PS... wearing Chene today, V, inspired by your post the other day!

12:10 PM EDT  
Blogger Kelley said...

Mr. Columbina, wasn't there a fragrance release recently that included a stinky cheese accord? Blue cheese maybe? Oooh, ask Columbina and see if she remembers. How cutting edge of you! I love the smell of gasoline and leather and motor oil and grass clippings....I really think you are on to something. Maybe we could get you to advise a niche house on a new scent?

Keep up the good work! You are very, very funny and I think it's rubbing off on Marina (or maybe you are both funny?)....

12:12 PM EDT  
Anonymous keeter said...

Dear Mr. Colombina,

This post is one of the funniest things ever. I especially love the barbeque and umbrella photo. Very postmodern. Have you tried CB I Hate Perfume Winter 1972? It is billed as "new fallen snow" but it smells like potential snow to me. Also, I am very confused by the baseball mitt story. Why on earth don't the manufacturers just marinate the mitts in oil before selling them? This is bothering me on a fundamental level.

12:39 PM EDT  
Anonymous Theresa said...

The stinky cheese reminds me of when Grenouille in Perfume mixes up some stinky cheese into the batch to mimic the smell of humans. Yum. Clearly Mr. Colombina is a budding hypersensitive nose/serial killer/mad scientist-genius hybrid.

12:43 PM EDT  
Blogger NewKidOnTheBlog said...

Stylespy,

Actually us 'old school' ballplayers swear the best substance to soften a mitt is human spit. Not sure that would be a great ingredient for a cologne though.

That would be more along the lines of a presentation set of bodily fluids.

Shoe polish! Now THERE is a great smell ... and I think it gets you a little high to boot!

Mr.C.

1:52 PM EDT  
Blogger NewKidOnTheBlog said...

Kelley,

Thanks for the compliment. Though I must say, Marina is funny in her own write/right.

And she is the better person to ask about L'eau du Fromage or whatever cheese scent someone did.

I must say, I am surprised at the number of folks who seriously like the idea of my manly blend. I thought it would only appeal to the likes of Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.

Perhaps the folks who are creating 'Perfume by Blog' could follow it up with 'Cologne by Clueless Husband'?

Just a thought ...

Mr.C.

1:59 PM EDT  
Anonymous Maria B. said...

Wow, how mental wavelengths collide! When I saw Diesel on a list of fragrance brands on Perfumebay or similar place, I thought it was Vin Diesel's celeb frag. And here you make it up entirely, and you think Vin Diesel. (Not that I know that's how the guy spells his name. I'm only vaguely aware of his existence from film commercials.) Mr. Colombina, you may be interested in Derek Jeter cologne. I think it's put out by Avon. I doubt it has a baseball glove component, but you never know.

Solander, Perfumebay is still selling Diesel products.

Colombina, I hope you feel better soon.

2:02 PM EDT  
Blogger NewKidOnTheBlog said...

Hi Keeter,

Thank you for the compliments. I never think/thought of myself as 'post modern' ... perhaps I am more GUESTPOST Modern.

I would be VERY interested in smelling that 'snow' scent you described. I'd even review it for PFT.

I just found out by the way ... from my DW ...that 'PFT' is "Perfume Smellin Things." And here I am, feeling like an idiot for not knowing all the blog TLAs (Three-letter-acronyms).

As far as baseball gloves go ... each user/player likes to have a slightly different part of the glove fold in half across the webbing and pocket. So it's best to let each person mold their glove in the manner they choose.

The mitt has to conform to the user's hand so it "fits like a glove"

You wouldn't buy pre-broken in leather shoes now would you?

Mr.C.

2:08 PM EDT  
Blogger NewKidOnTheBlog said...

PST ... not PFT - sorry - oops. I am truly clueless.

2:09 PM EDT  
Blogger NewKidOnTheBlog said...

Theresa,

The French make perfume. The French make cheese. Seems like a natural fit to me.

Budding hypersensitive nose/serial killer/mad scientist-genius hybrid?

That's the kind of label that could get me elected!

Mr.C.

2:12 PM EDT  
Blogger colombina said...

Maria,
Thank you! :-)

2:16 PM EDT  
Blogger NewKidOnTheBlog said...

Hi Maria!

I think it's highly possible that Mr. Vin Diesel is getting more press this morning on this website than he did everywhere else combined for all his films.

I could not figure out which would be a more useless exercise ... me writing about a made up Vin Diesel fragrance ... or me writing a Vin Diesel award-acceptance speech.

I didn't know Jeter had a cologne. It's not one of the things I check for when scouring the sports stats. I'll get Mrs. C. to look into it for me. Ta!

As for athletes in general, having their own fragrance ...I must say, I seriously thought about (instead of Vin Diesel) ... naming my Fragrance "T.O." (after Terrell Owens)

(tagline): "T.O. for when you're feeling a little selfish!"

But I figured that SOME of Colombina's readers had about as much chance of knowing who T.O. is ... as I have of telling you who was recently voted off 'Project Runway.'

Colombina, I also hope you feel better soon.

Mr.C.

2:22 PM EDT  
Blogger tmp00 said...

What does it say about me that I would totally wear this? Even if I had to go to Home Depot to get it?

I know exactly what you mean about smelling like snow. Miss that. The smell part. Not the shovelling it part.

2:24 PM EDT  
Blogger colombina said...

Mr. C,
You are too cute. The next season of Project Runway hasn't started yet...like, duh! :-)
I will look into whatshisname, Jeter? I will also get my hands on some of that winter scent for you. I also remembered that *I think* the same company has Baseball Glove Leather scent! Well, that's my anniversary shopping sorted then.

2:25 PM EDT  
Blogger Ina said...

Oy! What a mix, what a mix... are you going to hire a perfumer or do it yourself? ;D I mean, to achieve the perfect balance will take some serious work and dedication. I think you should also add the note of dirty socks. I think no man's perfume can ever be without it - it's so essential. ;D

P.S. My verification word is so fitting - tvtspzvw. It stands for TV, Teaspoon, Zzzz, Very Well. Random, I know, but couldn't help it.

2:28 PM EDT  
Blogger colombina said...

Ina,
I think the stinky cheese note will basically take care of the dirty socks note. :-) As for the perfumer, I will strongly recommend whoever created Secretions Magnifique, hee hee. Unless the wonderful Laudamiel has any interest to work on this one.

2:34 PM EDT  
Blogger NewKidOnTheBlog said...

TO ALL READERS:

Not being one to steal from other blogs, and not give the credit ...I thought I'd just send the link for some Vin Diesel jokes:

http://www.seanbuckley.ca/blog/2005/12/13/bad-vin-diesel-jokes/

Mr.C.

2:40 PM EDT  
Blogger NewKidOnTheBlog said...

Hey Tom!

It'll be in aisle three ... right between the drywall and the patio lights.

I don't miss shoveling snow either.

Actually, as I think about it ...the smell of snow in the air is punctuated by the distant aroma of someone burning wood in a fireplace, with smoke coming from the chimney.

Mr.C.

2:45 PM EDT  
Blogger NewKidOnTheBlog said...

Colombina,

Silly me ... You mean there is to be ANOTHER season of that?

VCR ALERT - VCR ALERT!

When I first heard of the show, I thought it had something to do with airports.

Anniversay shopping done? Oh joy.

I haven't started mine yet. Say ... isn't it about time we got a new mop?

LOVE YA!
Mr.C.

2:53 PM EDT  
Blogger NewKidOnTheBlog said...

Ina,

Of COURSE I will mix it up myself. Where is the fun in creating the scent without the potential for an explosion and a visit from the fire marshall?

I'll think about the socks. One has to be careful when adding them though. I only practice safe socks.

MY verification word was chamfis.

If I think about it longer I suppose I could come up with something more clever. But for now I will say it stands for "clueless husband accidently makes fortune inventing schlock."

Mr.C.

3:02 PM EDT  
Blogger Ina said...

Schlock?? Please elaborate. ;D

3:15 PM EDT  
Anonymous evilpeony said...

hahahaha.... another winner from mr. columbina. i will definitely snap this up for the darling BF (DB) when we hit the road next year for the LA sniffa. hihihihi trust me, he'll be drugged out on this for days while i sniff perfume to my heart's content *devil's laugh*

3:39 PM EDT  
Anonymous evilpeony said...

get well marina!

3:49 PM EDT  
Blogger NewKidOnTheBlog said...

Hi Ina!

According to the American Heritage Dictionary:

PRONUNCIATION: shlahk

VARIANT FORMS: also shlock

NOUN: Slang Something, such as merchandise or literature, that is inferior or shoddy.

ADJECTIVE: Of inferior quality; cheap or shoddy.

ETYMOLOGY: Possibly from Yiddish shlak, apoplexy, stroke, wretch, evil, nuisance, from Middle High German slag, slak, stroke, from slahen, to strike, from Old High German slahan.

OTHER FORMS: schlocky, shlocky —ADJECTIVE

OUR LIVING LANGUAGE: A good number of English words borrowed from Yiddish (a variety of German with an admixture of Hebrew and Slavic elements) are recognizably of foreign extraction because they begin with sound combinations (shl-, shm-, shn-) not found at the beginnings of native English words. Schlock is such a word; it is descended from a Middle High German word for a hit or blow, and thus came to refer to damaged merchandise, and then to merchandise of poor quality. Other words beginning with this and similar sound combinations are Yiddish also: schlep, schlemiel, schmooze, schmuck, and schnoz. These words may not be equally common in all regions of the United States; they are most frequently heard in areas with sizable Jewish populations that either speak Yiddish or are descended from Yiddish speakers, such as New York City. Of course, not all Yiddish words borrowed into English begin with the sound (sh); one need only think of bagel, lox, blintz, nosh, meshugga, and kibbitz to get a feeling for the variety of words that Yiddish-speaking Jews brought with them to America.

4:07 PM EDT  
Blogger colombina said...

Evilpeony,
Thank you! :-)

4:09 PM EDT  
Blogger NewKidOnTheBlog said...

Dear Evil,

Now there's something I don't type very often ...

Anyway, thanks for the compliments!

All the best!
Mr.C.

4:16 PM EDT  
Blogger Ina said...

Whoa! Thanks, nerd! ;D

4:30 PM EDT  
Blogger NewKidOnTheBlog said...

Ina,

It was just a simple clip 'n' paste job.

Geek!



(just kidding)

Mr.C.

6:18 PM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

if you were designing scents, we perfume lovers wouldn't be complaining about the dearth of interesting perfumes being released. i'll bet your concoction would actually smell decent - mixed by an expert nose.

yes, there is a smell in the air before the first snow storm. i'd nearly forgotten. thanks for the reminder. - minette

8:50 PM EDT  
Blogger Ina said...

You did exactly what Mr.Aromascope would have done.
Nerd! ;D

9:24 PM EDT  
Blogger NewKidOnTheBlog said...

Minette,

Thank you for the compliment.

It won't be with an expert nose ... but I MAY just mix up a batch myself just to see if it isn't lethal.

The engaging scent may have neighbours phoning to have UN weapons inspectors storming in, but that's a risk I am willing to take in the name of perfumery.

If it turns out only mildly carcinogenic, there's been some talk that Colombina might release some into an unsuspecting public via a prize draw.

Though I suspect only the truly morbid and hard-pressed would participate.

I am delighted to have stirred memories in others of the smell of pending snow.

It reminds me of days of yore when weather forecasting was more instinctual and less reliant on doppler radar and satellite imagery.

As we used to say ...

Red sky in morning ... farmer take warning. Red Sky at night ...barn's on fire.

Mr.C.

1:11 AM EDT  
Blogger NewKidOnTheBlog said...

Ina,

Mr. Aromascope is a smart man. Need evidence? Well he is with YOU of course.

Dweeb!

Mr. C.

1:15 AM EDT  
Blogger Emotenote said...

Wow, my comment got posted on a different entry so here it is again...

Mr. C,

Great post! I totally know that vinyl smell from the pool, suddenly I look forward to some warmer weather. Mr. Emote is really into baseball and keeps buying our girls mits. They grow out of them, never used, and he buys the next size up!? Sign me up for the baseball mit oil scent, it'll save tons of money and time in the long run.

"I must say, I am surprised at the number of folks who seriously like the idea of my manly blend. I thought it would only appeal to the likes of Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor."

Have you sniffed Dzing! yet? When I first smelled it I thought it was a joke. Now, though, I kinda dig it. I grew up on motorcycles (from the age of 3) so maybe I'm a little biased that way.

Oh, and give me some of that snow scent also.

11:59 PM EDT  
Blogger NewKidOnTheBlog said...

Dear Emotenote,

Thank you for the compliment. I'll get Colombina working on finding me some Dzing. I might even review it!

Mr.C.

11:47 AM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hysterical idea...he could go work for Comme de Garcons....

12:21 AM EDT  

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