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Monday, June 11, 2007

The Ultimate Anti-Me Perfume

Forgive the lack of a review today; everything smelled off this weekend. Instead, please allow me to introduce to you The Ultimate Anti-Colombina Perfume, a scent that would be bound to disgust, scare and annoy me if, heavens forbid, it was ever released. The kind of scent that makes me write multi-paragraph rants and rouses my worst photoshopping instincts.


- Fresh and sparkly fruity top notes of pink grapefruit, sea breeze, iodine, frosted strawberry, crystal litchi, icy melon, glacial peach and pink pepper;
- Sweet and heady floral middle notes of tiare, blue roses, black carnations and anise juxtaposed with the crisp greenness of celery and cucumber;
- Gourmand base notes of milk, almond, heliotrope, vanilla, chocolate and purple patchouli.


Has a Manifesto. Says it is going to start a Revolution. Declares that their perfume(s) will fight globalization/famine/desease/natural disasters and will bring peace on earth. Claims that it is guided by a Higher Power.


- A Latin phrase that has no relation to the scent: Eram Quod Es, Eris Quod Sum
- Or something long and "suggestive": Yo Babe Not On The First Date
- A happy-cheery, new-agey name: Bliss (Comes From Your Inner Space)
- Or a faux-hip, pseudo-young name: X-I-10


Cheapo "lab" bottle with a black cap and a hand-written label. Or a purple bottle that looks like a heart or a fleurchon. The box features an inspirational message-poem from the creators and an anime-pornographic image, interpretation of the perfume.

Size and formulation:

7ml bottle of oil or parfum for $500 and 400ml of Eau de Toilette for $500.


Only in a random city somewhere in the Appalachian Region. Because the company thinks that you have to prove your love for perfume by cheerfully dealing with a small inconvenience of traveling as far as needed to buy their precious juice. And no, they won't sell it to you over the phone. No, they will not sell it to you online. Not even if you are in the same country. You have to get your exclusivity-craving self to their exquisitely minimalistic boutique and beg them to take your $500.

Stars that allegedly love the scent:

Sienna Miller, Kate Moss, Russell Crowe.

What would be the ultimate anti-you perfume?


Blogger tmp00 said...

I think you covered it. The only thing I can add is an annoying ad campaign: "He worships her typing skills, she's into his HTML, it turns her on. Momentarily"

That or Blue Sugar.

11:21 PM EDT  
Blogger Bryan said...

Absolutely brilliant. I am utterly speechless. I may be able to pick my chin up off the floor and comment again later....just stunning.

2:07 AM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

ROTFL - I could not have created a more perfect monster of a perfume, so I won't even try. It's worse than EITHER Pink or Blue Sugar. If that's even possible.

And the scent itself is bad enough, but then you add the dreaded FLEURCHONS..Nooooooo!!! I can't take it! :-O

2:13 AM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

wow, that would be a real monster. the notes sound incredibly disgusting plus I think that you nailed it with the name propositions and the bottle size/price ratio ;). my horror of a perfume would definitely feature anise and a healthy dose of vetiver on a base of burning rubber. the bottle would be reminiscent of BS In control or something like that.

2:25 AM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hilarious, Colombina! I looked at the notes carefully to make sure it really was the Anti-Colombina, and there it was, heliotrope. :-) A totally unrelated, pretentious Latin name--oh, you are so good.

3:04 AM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well, I was definitely and absolutely and 1000% sure it'd be my "anti" as well, when I read the stars they'd allegedly worship this perfume - there was the final red rag to me : Kate Moss...

4:09 AM EDT  
Blogger chayaruchama said...

Nailed it !
This is a shoe-in for the "Incontinence Awards", lol.
My only caveat-
If it's an'industrial' look- the cap has to leak...that's only fair.

And, if it's 'ungepotschket', then we need innumerable gewgaws, utterly tasteless, with which to adorn it...
Perhaps, they could also double as charms for a bracelet ?

7:27 AM EDT  
Blogger marchlion said...

Hahahahahha -- I think I smelled that recently on a trip to Sephora -- between the frosted strawberry and the anise you've got me covered (although grape or apple would work in there). I was going to deduct points for lack of stupid modifiers but you've got plenty of glacial crispness going on... Chaya's right, cap definitely has to leak. I'm voting for the Latin. Either that or why don't they go the distance and do something we totally can't read, like in Sanskrit or something? (no, cyrillic doesn't count.)

7:37 AM EDT  
Blogger lilybp said...

Wonderful! I don't think you will get many of our "anti-me" perfumes, because you have done it so brilliantly--there's nothing more to say. . .

7:42 AM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Exactly. Nail. On. Head. I'd ratyher smear chip shop grease all over my body than be subject to copy where notes have those false adjectives all over the place - frosted, glistening, green, hazy, crisp, ambivalent, pussilanimous, meretricious, vacuous...

7:51 AM EDT  
Blogger Marina said...

I am into people who know HTML, so I don't know...:-) But yes, that CK campaign is the pits.

8:22 AM EDT  
Blogger Marina said...

Thank you! :-)

8:22 AM EDT  
Blogger Marina said...

I haven't tried Blue Sugar (nor will I ), but I have a feelign mine out-mosntered it. I bet BS (heh) doesn't have iodine as a note :-D

8:23 AM EDT  
Blogger Marina said...

Vetiver and burning rubber I can easily deal with but anise and almond and fruits, gaaaah

8:24 AM EDT  
Blogger Marina said...

Latin name is a must. The longer the better. Another option that I forgot is to name it after a book with a really long title.

8:25 AM EDT  
Blogger Marina said...

Yes, If Ms Moss likes it, I shall not. Total - and very irrational- dislike.

8:26 AM EDT  
Blogger rosarita said...

Oh, my goodness, this is so brilliant and perfect! The only thing I could add that would make your creation more anti-ME would be even more red in the topnotes - pomengranate, red current, rotted raspberry, appletini - throw in some Banana Boat and Coppertone essences and call it something like Berry Good Sex on the Beach at Sunset.
The manifesto is the perfect touch!

8:26 AM EDT  
Blogger Marina said...

Oh gosh, charms and bracelets...Another option is to have a bottle handpainted with golden ornaments...which will come off on your hands when you hold the precious bottle.

8:27 AM EDT  
Blogger Marina said...

Sanskrit, LOL! Great idea. And I am like so totally surprised no one has done that yet. I bet they will, you just wait. The cap will leak, of course.

8:28 AM EDT  
Blogger Marina said...

I forgot to add CHERRY. Oy. *shudder*

8:29 AM EDT  
Blogger Marina said...

Mmmm, chip shop grease... :-)

8:30 AM EDT  
Blogger Marina said...

Yikes, that would be way scarier! And you mentioning coppertone reminded me of another note I hate that I have forgotten- coconut. Euch.

8:31 AM EDT  
Blogger elle said...

LOL! Love it!! :-) Making sign of cross, tossing salt over shoulder and backing away from that list of notes in particular.

8:46 AM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Do you have to pay extra for the super limited edition that uses only this year's top crop of strawberries and has the gold dust and crystals that focus the healing mystical elements?

8:47 AM EDT  
Blogger lilybp said...

Of course!!! (I should have really thought of the cherry, since it's my personal bête noire, but I think I was laughing too hard:)

8:54 AM EDT  
Blogger Marina said...

But of course! And there will be only 999 bottles available of that limited edition. No, make it 666. :-P

8:57 AM EDT  
Blogger Marina said...

I knew you'll "love" the c*l*ry. :-)

9:05 AM EDT  
Blogger Marina said...

I hate it too. Unless it is in a cherry pie :-)

9:06 AM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Can I register to become a "member" so that I can buy refills for my limited edition? Do I get a certificate (suitable for framing)?

9:59 AM EDT  
Blogger Marina said...

But of course! The certificate will be written in Sanskrit though, as per March's suggestion :-)

10:00 AM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

OMG, what a horror of a perfume. HI-LA-RI-OUS!! It's as hilarious as a comment you once made on MUA re: exclusivity...(I paraphrase) "scent smells of nothing, is sold nowhere." Hee hee! Now that would be THE exclusive perfume, wouldn't it? :-D

10:03 AM EDT  
Blogger Marina said...

I really said that? I kinda like that :-) Well, I am still waiting for le Labo to launch a scent in outer space :-) And you can only buy it there, heh.

10:05 AM EDT  
Blogger Erin said...

Killer funny, M, and so true. I'd vote for the Latin name, but I don't know Latin and so won't remember it, and I'm sure it would be memorable for those who do know the language. The important thing is that no-one can spell it or get the words in the right order. (Also, it helps if the name is misspelled in the first place!) While I feebly object to the inclusion of anise and milk, and would certainly substitute grape for melon, I think you've created quite the beast here. Perhaps you should add some heart notes that smell of nothing, like "glacial water" or "pure, organic grain alcohol"?

11:34 AM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Marina, that was WONDERFUL! Back when I was even more of a newbie than I am, I ordered a samp of Eadward Eclectic from a decant-er I won't name (because I really like her). Notes include muscadine grapes. Grapes are good for so many things, but in perfumes... does not compute.

The anti-me would be full of strongly scented white flowers, I'm sure. Let's say: honeysuckle, magnolia, orange blossom, tuberose, jasmine, and we'll throw in the muscadine, some watermelon, and a "fresh" ozone note for the heck of it. --Ellen

12:00 PM EDT  
Blogger IrisLA said...

Created by a mysterious nose who shall remain unnamed because "it's all about the juice." In reality, the creator is a hobbyist mixing ingredients in her kitchen sink and therefore the production run is limited.

12:13 PM EDT  
Blogger Marina said...

LOL at glacial water. And I swear, I saw that not somewhere.

12:23 PM EDT  
Blogger Marina said...

I am not a fan of grape either. Except for the very much discontinued and totally impossible to find Grape & Vine by Fresh. That one was wonderful.

12:25 PM EDT  
Blogger Marina said...

Oh gosh, that should have definitely been included in the post. Definitely.

12:26 PM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's missing coconut and pineapple.

For me the description would read: Formulated from my childhood memory of sticking my head into a laundry basket of unwashed clothes.

People would flock to buy it, despite my high charges for samples and shipping. They too, want to relive the memory. I'm a genius.

1:03 PM EDT  
Blogger Marina said...

LOL, yes, definitely. :-)

1:17 PM EDT  
Blogger NowSmellThis said...

LOL! But you quit picking on my Luctor et Emergo now! It can't help it that its going to be #1 at MUA again :-)

1:45 PM EDT  
Blogger Marina said...

It is not going to be No 1 again! It is not, it is not, it is not :-) Chergui will be No 1. Not a fan of Chergui, but what can I do :-) *sigh*

1:47 PM EDT  
Blogger Paula Williams said...

I'm still trying to figure out what a "water" note is supposed to smell like. . .

2:50 PM EDT  
Blogger Marina said...

Salty/fresh kind of thing, I guess. I think it is usually evocative of the whole sea/ocean/beach experience than just water as such. In any case, it is not my favorite kind of scent. :-)

2:52 PM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Inspired by March's impending trip to Thailand, perhaps a Durian Brown Sugar Cucumber with accents of sparkling Grape Soda and authentic River Water comes to mind . . .

4:53 PM EDT  
Blogger Marina said...

Brown sugar cucumber, eww! :-)

5:06 PM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yesterday I found a perfume called "MoslBuddJewChristHinDao" (brand "Elternhaus") - this is quite a name ! could be an "anti"...

5:55 AM EDT  
Blogger Marina said...

Oh don't get me started on this one. :-) Ugh. And it's not just the name , it's their whole "concept".

7:55 AM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I read that Shiseido sent roses up in the space shelter to capture how they smell in space. I'm no physicist, but wouldn't they either smell the same way they do on earth (inside the space shuttle) or like nothing at all (outside it)?

6:26 PM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Uh, that would be space "shuttle," not "shelter." Although I'm sure it's a shelter to those who are on it.

6:28 PM EDT  
Blogger Marina said...

Those mad Shiseido scientists! I wish I knew what the results of their experiments were.

6:29 PM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ohmigod. Did she just dis Elternhaus, Etat Libre d'Orange and Calvin Klein all in one fell swoop? Brilliant! But really, why spare Comme des Garcons?

10:43 PM EDT  
Blogger Marina said...

:-D Comme des Garcons were sort of the first to do weird perfume stuff, and that didn't seem pretentious or fake. I am not the biggest fan of their scents (apart from the Incense series), but I have respect for them :-)

7:54 AM EDT  

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